Classic One Liners

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
5. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
14. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
19. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
20. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
22. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
24. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
25. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
26. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
28. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
29. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
30. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
31. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
33. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
34. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
36. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
37. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
41. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
42. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
43. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
44. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
45. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
47. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
48. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
49. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
50. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
51. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
52. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
55. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
56. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
57. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
58. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
59. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
60. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
61. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
62. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
63. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
64. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
66. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
67. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
68. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
69. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
70. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
73. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
74. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
75. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
76. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
77. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
78. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
79. When in doubt, mumble.
80. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
81. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
82. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
83. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
84. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
85. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
86. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
87. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
88. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
89. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
90. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
92. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
94. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
95. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
96. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
97. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
98. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
99. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
100. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.