A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
Short Marriage Jokes
Joke 1
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Joke 2
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Joke 3
How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.
Joke 4
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Joke 2
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Joke 3
How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.
Joke 4
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
Geography Exam
Father : "Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."
Son : "It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
Son : "It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
Did I come here to die?
An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth’s atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.
He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.
“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
“No,” the Aussie nurse replies, “You came here yesterday.”
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.
He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.
“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
“No,” the Aussie nurse replies, “You came here yesterday.”
Do you have change for a dollar?
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar???”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, sir!”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, sir!”
You're in perfect health
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
I'm coming
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Elements: Man and Woman
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
------------
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to finda pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
------------
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to finda pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Maths
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Do you want me to start?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Definition of Kiss
- Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
- Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
- Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing
- Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips
- Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
- Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
- Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria
- Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
- Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
- Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
- Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
- Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
- Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
- Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable.
What do you Think?
Wife: Come..Help me with the Garden
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Gardener?
Wife: Come, let's fix the toilet faucet..
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Plumber?
Wife: Come fix the door handle
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Carpenter?
The Husband went out...when he was back, hesaw that everything is fixed...the garden....the toilet faucet....& the door handle.
He asked his wife, who had it done?
The wife said that, its the neighbour's son, but he gave me TWO OPTIONS...
Either to make him a Hamburger or have Sex with him.....
Husband: I'm sure that you gave him a Hamburger...
Wife: What did you thin I'm? Mc Donald ;-)
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Gardener?
Wife: Come, let's fix the toilet faucet..
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Plumber?
Wife: Come fix the door handle
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Carpenter?
The Husband went out...when he was back, hesaw that everything is fixed...the garden....the toilet faucet....& the door handle.
He asked his wife, who had it done?
The wife said that, its the neighbour's son, but he gave me TWO OPTIONS...
Either to make him a Hamburger or have Sex with him.....
Husband: I'm sure that you gave him a Hamburger...
Wife: What did you thin I'm? Mc Donald ;-)
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Oh yea, talk to me baby
This guy goes into a hore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.
She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.
He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.
She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.
He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.
She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.
He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.
As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".
She replies "MOOOOOO"!
She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.
He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.
She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.
He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.
She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.
He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.
As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".
She replies "MOOOOOO"!
You're smarter already
A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.Fishy tales Will and Guy's humour
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.Fishy tales Will and Guy's humour
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
Or what?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
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