They don't let you fart here

A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".
"What's that, asked the son?"
"They don't let you fart here"!

Never make a woman angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

20,000 leagues under the sea

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Is it spiral?

Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some guys and gals?

1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough. 
3. You don't have to be polite afterward

I’m sure it will be all right

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”

Second Opinion

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

Stiff At Last

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

There will be sex here at seven o'clock

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

Should bought a hat

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my brand new BOOTS!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Finding Wife

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”

Conversation in an Irish Bar

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Innocense, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Innocense in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Just give me my change

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Tit for Tat

A boy and his date were parked on a back road far away from town, making out, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a professional prostitute, and I charge $100 to go any farther.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and a couple of minutes later it was time to go back.

But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”

Chain Saw

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.


The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the West Virginian says, “What’s the hell is that terrible noise?”

Wife's Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.


The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put the little bastard on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”

Urge and Camel

Once a Col. who was overseeing a division stationed in a desert, visits them.
He asks the Captain to show all the tents. Captain takes through the Col. to all the tents and they reach the last tent and Capt. hesitates to open.
When Col. insisted, he opens the tent where there are two Camels lying down.
Capt. tells in a low voice to Col. "Sir, when our soldiers get the urge they use these camels". Col. walks off .
 During the night, an SOS comes for Col. but he is found no where.
Having searched everywhere, Capt. goes to the last tent and opens to see the Col. in a compromising position with Camel.
Capt. shockingly asks Col. " Sir, what are you doing?". Col. replies, "Capt. you only said that your soldiers would use the camel when they get an urge. I got an urge and thought of using the camel".
Capt. says" Col. what I meant was, when my soldiers get the urge, they use the camel to go to the nearest town to visit brothels".!!!!

Funny Answers From Real Students

Here are some responses to job related and general knowledge questions from real college students that are so funny that they seem simply hilarious:

• A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter. 
• Chemical Formula of Water has two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin while Hydrogin is gin and water.
• Definition of Census taker - A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Definition of Syntax - Tax paid by the sinners at the church.
• Definition of Virgin Forest - It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. 
• Future tense of 'I give' - 'I take'. 
• Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris. 
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. 
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors. 
• Parts of Speech - Lungs and air. 
• Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. 
• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. 
• What is H2O and CO2? - H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. 
• What the residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.

I need glasses

Patient: Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.

Waiter: You certainly do, you've just walked into a fast food joint!!

The Final Predcition

A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.

Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.

A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.

“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.

The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him. Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.

The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.

The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”