Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”
Conversation in an Irish Bar
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Innocense, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Innocense in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Innocense, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Innocense in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Just give me my change
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Tit for Tat
A boy and his date were parked on a back road far away from town, making out, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a professional prostitute, and I charge $100 to go any farther.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and a couple of minutes later it was time to go back.
But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”
But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”
Chain Saw
A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the West Virginian says, “What’s the hell is that terrible noise?”
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the West Virginian says, “What’s the hell is that terrible noise?”
Wife's Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put the little bastard on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put the little bastard on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”
Urge and Camel
Once a Col. who was overseeing a division stationed in a desert, visits them.
He asks the Captain to show all the tents. Captain takes through the Col. to all the tents and they reach the last tent and Capt. hesitates to open.
When Col. insisted, he opens the tent where there are two Camels lying down.
Capt. tells in a low voice to Col. "Sir, when our soldiers get the urge they use these camels". Col. walks off .
During the night, an SOS comes for Col. but he is found no where.
Having searched everywhere, Capt. goes to the last tent and opens to see the Col. in a compromising position with Camel.
Capt. shockingly asks Col. " Sir, what are you doing?". Col. replies, "Capt. you only said that your soldiers would use the camel when they get an urge. I got an urge and thought of using the camel".
Capt. says" Col. what I meant was, when my soldiers get the urge, they use the camel to go to the nearest town to visit brothels".!!!!
He asks the Captain to show all the tents. Captain takes through the Col. to all the tents and they reach the last tent and Capt. hesitates to open.
When Col. insisted, he opens the tent where there are two Camels lying down.
Capt. tells in a low voice to Col. "Sir, when our soldiers get the urge they use these camels". Col. walks off .
During the night, an SOS comes for Col. but he is found no where.
Having searched everywhere, Capt. goes to the last tent and opens to see the Col. in a compromising position with Camel.
Capt. shockingly asks Col. " Sir, what are you doing?". Col. replies, "Capt. you only said that your soldiers would use the camel when they get an urge. I got an urge and thought of using the camel".
Capt. says" Col. what I meant was, when my soldiers get the urge, they use the camel to go to the nearest town to visit brothels".!!!!
Funny Answers From Real Students
Here are some responses to job related and general knowledge questions from real college students that are so funny that they seem simply hilarious:
- A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.
- Chemical Formula of Water has two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin while Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Definition of Census taker - A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Definition of Syntax - Tax paid by the sinners at the church.
- Definition of Virgin Forest - It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- Future tense of 'I give' - 'I take'.
- Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- Parts of Speech - Lungs and air.
- Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- What is H2O and CO2? - H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- What the residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.
I need glasses
Patient: Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.
Waiter: You certainly do, you've just walked into a fast food joint!!
Waiter: You certainly do, you've just walked into a fast food joint!!
The Final Predcition
A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.
Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.
A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.
“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.
The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him. Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.
The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.
The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”
Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.
A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.
“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.
The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him. Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.
The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.
The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”
Super Man
What is difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
Doctor
A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all his clothes and then send his husband a bill for it.
The Dark Side Of Women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. He will now be your career!'
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. He will now be your career!'
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Programmer and A Frog joke
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend
what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45lbs
About 45lbs
Children's Views on Love
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, age 8)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." (Andrew, age 6)
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Mae, age 7)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Manuel, age 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (John, age 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Glenn, age 7)
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Anita C., age 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Brian, age 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, age 9)
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, age 8)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, age 8)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Gavin, age 8)
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." (John, age 9)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." (Jill, age 6)
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." (Floyd, age 9)
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." (Carey, age 7)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Dave, age 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, age 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt." (Robbie, age 8)
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, age 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6)
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9)
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (Bobby, age 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Bart, age 9)
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." (Sarah)
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." (Sandra, age 7)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9)
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." (Pam, age 7)
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, age 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, age 8)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." (Andrew, age 6)
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Mae, age 7)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Manuel, age 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (John, age 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Glenn, age 7)
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Anita C., age 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Brian, age 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, age 9)
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, age 8)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, age 8)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Gavin, age 8)
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." (John, age 9)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." (Jill, age 6)
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." (Floyd, age 9)
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." (Carey, age 7)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Dave, age 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, age 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt." (Robbie, age 8)
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, age 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6)
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9)
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (Bobby, age 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Bart, age 9)
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." (Sarah)
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." (Sandra, age 7)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9)
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." (Pam, age 7)
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, age 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
What’s your name?
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Carmen,” she replied.
“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”
“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”
“Beerjugs,” the man replied.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Carmen,” she replied.
“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”
“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”
“Beerjugs,” the man replied.
Credit Card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
How to Lose Weight?
A fat lady: (To a health expert) Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
Atheist Holy Day - April Fool's Day
/* Snopes says this is not a true story... but it's still funny! Have a great day! */
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews, and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling and saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews, and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling and saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
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