Two blondes are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Wow. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on her face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two women, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two women are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two gals seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."
For best results, put on two coats
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.So, she Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going toPaint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks Her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it Said....
You'll love this...
Yep. I know you will...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going toPaint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks Her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it Said....
You'll love this...
Yep. I know you will...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Tarzan
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for!?’ Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for!?’ Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’
Charging her Husband for sex
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. “Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied.
“But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom. ” Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied.
“But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom. ” Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
Nun at the Gas Station
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Lawyers and Farmers
The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.
He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.'
'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the program?'
'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him into the course.'
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the reading class!'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.
At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!'
'I already did, Dad!'
'Good boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.'
'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the program?'
'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him into the course.'
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the reading class!'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.
At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!'
'I already did, Dad!'
'Good boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
What causes arthritis
A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's clothes were stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!"
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
The man's clothes were stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!"
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Some good news and some bad news
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
Time to Pray
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
You started it
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
What’s WRONG with me, Doctor?
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning,
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,
my skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,
and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning,
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,
my skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,
and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Watch Dogs
A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says “Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?”
The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”
The man responds “Huh, that’s interesting. Why did you name them such names?”
The blonde sighs and shakes her head “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?”
The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”
The man responds “Huh, that’s interesting. Why did you name them such names?”
The blonde sighs and shakes her head “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?”
Equal Rights
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Mans Heart
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high
Your daughter is pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Dilemma
Here's a dilemma for you.... With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water; he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer)...
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water; he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer)...
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Games for When We're Older
- Sag, you're It.
- Hide and go pee.
- 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
- Kick the bucket.
- Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over .
- Musical recliners
- Simon Says something incoherent.
- Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
Hey this looks like yours hun
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.
“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.
When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass.
I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”
Puzzled, the doctor asks “What mistake was that?”
The guy replies, “I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!’”
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.
“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.
When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass.
I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”
Puzzled, the doctor asks “What mistake was that?”
The guy replies, “I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!’”
Attitude of a Perfect woman, every man dreams off !! (after all dreams are dreams)
- Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
- Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- That was a great fart! Do another one.
- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- You're so sexy when you're hungover.
- I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Let's subscribe to Hustler.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
- I'll be out painting the house.
- I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too!
- Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
- I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
- No, no....I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
- Your mother is way better than mine.
- Do me a favor. Forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and go buy new clubs.
- I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys....it's a great stress reliever.
- Oh come on....what do you say we get a good porno move, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
- Oh come on! Not the damned mall again. Let's go to that new strip club!.
- Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?
- You need your sleep ya big silly. Now stop getting up for the night feedings.
- God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
- I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head just for you!
Silent fart
An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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