A General Approach
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."
" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "
" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."
" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "
" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
Bar Drink
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo." So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink.
The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink." He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo." So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink.
The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink." He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
Golfer in Ireland
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
The Butler
A lady enters her mansion and says to her butler:
"Charles, remove my coat."
"Charles, remove my shoes."
"Charles, remove my blouse."
"Charles, remove my skirt."
"Charles, remove my panties."
"Charles, remove my bra."
"Now Charles, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you'll be dismissed."
"Charles, remove my coat."
"Charles, remove my shoes."
"Charles, remove my blouse."
"Charles, remove my skirt."
"Charles, remove my panties."
"Charles, remove my bra."
"Now Charles, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you'll be dismissed."
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
How many women....
After three years of marriage, Julie was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Julia promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Julia promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Drawbacks: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Drawbacks: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Drawbacks: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Drawbacks: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Drawbacks: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Drawbacks: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.
Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.
Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.
The Father of My Children?
A man was in the supermarket when he saw an attractive woman waving him over and smiling. He walked over, unsure of who she was.
“I’m sorry”, he said, “but I don’t think I recognize you”.
“I think you’re the father of one of my children”, the woman said, smiling.
The man’s heart nearly stopped as he thought back to the one time he had been unfaithful – his bachelor party. “Are you the stripper?” he asked, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with a with a wet celery?”
Wide-eyed and shocked the woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
“I’m sorry”, he said, “but I don’t think I recognize you”.
“I think you’re the father of one of my children”, the woman said, smiling.
The man’s heart nearly stopped as he thought back to the one time he had been unfaithful – his bachelor party. “Are you the stripper?” he asked, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with a with a wet celery?”
Wide-eyed and shocked the woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
Can you tell who is the culprit?
In the middle of a night a woman wakes up and shouts at the guy next to her
"Hurry my husband is home, get out fast"
The guy grabs all his clothes and starts running and all of a sudden he stops and says
"Damn... I'm her husband!!"
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Now Who is the Culprit?
"Hurry my husband is home, get out fast"
The guy grabs all his clothes and starts running and all of a sudden he stops and says
"Damn... I'm her husband!!"
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Now Who is the Culprit?
Best toast of the night
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Would you get married again?
One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: s*#t.s*#t.s*#t...
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: s*#t.s*#t.s*#t...
Mommy's Way
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Mommy's White Hair
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Poor in Maths?
Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Sam's Wife
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
Fiancee
A young woman brings her fiancee' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee' to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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