The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips. He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick. `I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 'Well.' she replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.' 'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Mood Rings
My neighbor bought his wife a mood ring the other day so he would be able to better recognize her state of mind.
He says it works really well, but not how he expected.
When she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
He says it works really well, but not how he expected.
When she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
I've Been Robbed!
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Finest Bat
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
What is Adolescence ?
The teacher had just finished reading a story to the Fifth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.
"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.
Out of the entire class of 30, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint:
"Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.
Out of the entire class of 30, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint:
"Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
Small World
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
Monsters Under His Bed
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Smart Wife
Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
============ =========
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
Three men
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a blonde. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning herself. He said he didn't see any difference on the first two days, but after it sunk in on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.
The second man had married a brunette. He bragged that he had ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and all the cooking. He said he didn't see any results on the first day, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a redhead. He shared that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and find the mower in the garage.
The first man had married a blonde. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning herself. He said he didn't see any difference on the first two days, but after it sunk in on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.
The second man had married a brunette. He bragged that he had ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and all the cooking. He said he didn't see any results on the first day, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a redhead. He shared that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and find the mower in the garage.
Happy New Year 2010
Wish you All a Very
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now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!
Senior Dating
Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.
Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
Reply to a Matrimonial Ad
Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Punjabi Newspaper!!
Dear Madam:
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Honey Bath,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big, and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab
Dear Madam:
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Honey Bath,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big, and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab
Do you think it's the light?
In the flatlands of Milpitas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern, instructing, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern, instructing, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Two Black Balls
One day at school a teacher said, "Class I'm going to give you a question every Friday. If you answer it correctly, then you do not have to come to school on the following Monday."
The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, "How many stars are in the sky?"
No one was able to answer.
The next Friday the teacher asked, "How many fish are in the sea?"
Again, no one was able to answer.
Then one student had an idea. He got two big bouncy balls and painted them black. On Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of the aisles. The teacher asked, "Who's the guy with the big black balls?"
The kid yelled, "Bill Cosby! See ya next Tuesday!"
The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, "How many stars are in the sky?"
No one was able to answer.
The next Friday the teacher asked, "How many fish are in the sea?"
Again, no one was able to answer.
Then one student had an idea. He got two big bouncy balls and painted them black. On Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of the aisles. The teacher asked, "Who's the guy with the big black balls?"
The kid yelled, "Bill Cosby! See ya next Tuesday!"
A Young Priest
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
Business Trick
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
Magic Mirror
A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.
The Redhead walks in and says, 'I think I am the most intelligent woman here' and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.
The Brunette walks in and says, 'I think I am the most beautiful woman here' and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says, 'I think...' and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.
The Redhead walks in and says, 'I think I am the most intelligent woman here' and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.
The Brunette walks in and says, 'I think I am the most beautiful woman here' and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says, 'I think...' and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.
Funny Dumb Blonde Quickie Jokes
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Why does a blonde throw water on her keyboard?
A. To surf the internet
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.
Q. Why are there no brunette jokes?
A. Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A. Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"
Q. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A. Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
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