Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Careful Blonde
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
A letter from sardar(singh) mom to her son
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Stoned
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and exclaimed,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!??'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and exclaimed,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!??'
An Elderly Gentleman
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
The Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Abusing Parrot
A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.
She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.
He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."
So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"
The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"
She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.
He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."
So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"
The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"
The Bird Retriever
A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
• No one expects you to take a bath every day.
• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
• If it itches, you can reach it.
• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
• Having big feet is considered an asset.
• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
• No matter where you live, you own the place.
• Your mate never complains because you whine.
• Puppy love can last.
• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
• If it itches, you can reach it.
• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
• Having big feet is considered an asset.
• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
• No matter where you live, you own the place.
• Your mate never complains because you whine.
• Puppy love can last.
Out in the Country
When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.
‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad.’
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’
The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.
‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.
‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad.’
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’
The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.
‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
Armed Robber
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’
Middle Name
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”
Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”
Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”
Lady With Five Children
You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress, right? When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful!
She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.
But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”
“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”
She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.
But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”
“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”
Found It!
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”
Cheap Cruise
A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads "Ocean Cruise - Only $10".
She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.
The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.
"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.
"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.
She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.
The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.
"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.
"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.
Down The Toilet
A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."
Faithful Wife !!!
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."
"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."
"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"
Stubborn Girlfriend
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
WHEN FILLING OUT A JOB APPLICATION
Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots recently appeared on
actual resumes:
=======================================================================================
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"High voltage telephone answering."
"Extensive prof reading skills."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
actual resumes:
=======================================================================================
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"High voltage telephone answering."
"Extensive prof reading skills."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
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