Chemistry can be complicated!

Two guys are conversing in the Mens Toilet during Chemistry Exams...

Guy 1 : You Gotta Help Me!
Guy 2 : I am just here to pee...I can't help during test.

Guy 1 : Please help, or else I will fail.
Guy 2 : Okay, be quick...ask what you want to know?

Guy 1 : What is the symbol for Nobelium?
Guy 2 : NO

Guy 1 : But you said you will tell me...
Guy 2 : NO!

Guy 1 : Ok, leave it tell me symbol for Sodium ?
Guy 2 : Na!

Guy 1 : Damn, at least tell me symbol for Potassium ?
Guy 2 : K!

Guy 1 : What's okay?
Guy 2 : Just K!

Guy 1 : What's just OK?
Guy 2 : You Mean OK2?

Guy 1 : Whats OK too?
Guy 2 : Potassium Oxide.

Guy 1 : Oxide?
Guy 2 : O

Guy 1 : Oh! What??
Guy 2 : Oxygen

Guy 1 : Damn not Oxygen, I asked for Potassium ?
Guy 2 : K

Guy 1 : No
Guy 2 : Nobelium

Guy 1 : Nobelium?
Guy 2 : NO

Guy 1 : Just give me the answer of bonus question. What's Element166?
Guy 2 : UHH

Guy 1 : Go on?
Guy 2 : UHH

Guy 1 : Uhh??
Guy 2 : Exactly

Guy 1 : NO, what is it???
Guy 2 : Nobelium

Guy 1 : For God's sake at least tell me symbol for URANIUM!
Guy 2 : That's U !

Guy 1 : I know that's upto me ...but I am asking for your help !!
Guy 2 : U !

Guy 1 : No you !!!
Guy 2 : Nobelium . Uranium

Guy 1 : You are an A*s!!
Guy 2 : U AR N AS.....that's URANIUM (U) ARGON (AR) NITROGEN (N) Arsenic (AS)

Guy 1 : You Are An A*s!!!
Guy 2 : Exactly !!

Guy 1 : Baaah!!!
Guy 2 : Barium !

That's amazing!

Paddy weighs 250lbs, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks - and, you should loose 20lbs."

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 80lbs.

"That's amazing!" the doc said.

Paddy nodded, "I'll tell you, I thought I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."

"What, from hunger?" said the doc.

"No, from the damn skipping!"

Two nuns at the fruit market

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers.
The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !"
 The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."

Twice a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
 "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

What's a Breathalyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

Smart Daughter

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."

First confession

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Dreadful habit

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter makes the inspection.
The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.
St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

A soap dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
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A hundred dollar bill.

An Army Guy and Two Marines

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.
Sure enough, two marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”
So the Army guy responds, “Thats the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read.”
The other Marine growles, “What did you say!?!”
The Army guy responds, “Thats the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear.”
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender askes what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, “Thats the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol

Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquour manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your a*s kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Two elderly sisters at football game

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

Perfect

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a p*nis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his p*nis in hand said, "Son this is a p*nis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect p*nis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a p*nis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect p*nis!"

The Best Crap Of Your Life

We all enjoy a good satisfying crap. But did you know that you can transform a regular crap into a fantastic crap? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life…

1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you.

2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your sh-t. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant a*s blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the crap goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and p*ss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent sh*tter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic crap of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen HDTV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid crap from your arse and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got sh*t stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper.

8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your arse, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.

Foul Language in Office

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28,

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a*s.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a*s.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Screw it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a*s.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b*tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream "Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?"

His dad simply replied, "Mmmmm… just making your brother, Johnny.....go back to bed."

The next day when the father got home from work, he found Johnny crying on the stoop....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied, "Oh daddy, this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother!"

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.