Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

Perfect Son ............

A:I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie. “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!” Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

Why is everybody rushing?

The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert..He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I don’t see a single woman.”
“You’ll see,” the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
I see what you mean, but I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?”
“What?‚ exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”

Five cannibals at an air base.

Five cannibals get jobs as contractors at an air base.
During their orientation, the First Sergeant says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the chow hall for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other personnel”.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the First Sergeant returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Airmen has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the First Sergeant has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the Airman?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Lieutenants, Captains and Majors and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat an Airman!”

The 10 Commandments of a Military Wife

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.
2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments of other uniformed branches of serivce.
3. Love thy neighbor.
4. Honor thy Commissary and Exchange as long as they both shall live.
5. Thou shalt not ridiclue a local politician, for mighty senators from local politicians grow.
6. Thou shalt look for the best in each assignment, though the best might be “Most childhood diseases in one year”, or “Record snow in one months time.”
7. Thou shalt remember all thy friends on all thy assignments with a Christmas Card, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth a night with them while enroute to a new post/base.
8. Be kind and gentle to retired, white haired Exchange and Commissary customers, because thou too will be a retiree someday.
9. Thou shalt not curse thy husband when he’s on TDY on moving day.
10. Thou must never arrive at a new post/base and constantly brag about how much better everything was at the last post/base

I have two sisters at home

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Of course I am mad

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.

The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”

Lab Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."

What do you mean?

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

What are you going to do with that?

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open the window, it stinks in here for Heaven's sake."

Speak softly !

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat too.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, didn't you, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says
"Sssshh ! Speak softly ! Just let them land!"

Discuss with your wife

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your p*nis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it. "

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, did you speak to your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

What do you think my reward might be?

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

There was a Blonde

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Men and Women

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.