Free Pups

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a number of tiny creatures,  in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

"We just report the facts, we don't change them."

Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Did you know

Pretty good at sensitive stuff

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow."

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Good news and bad news

Derrek went to see his doctor.

The doctor said to him, "I have good news and bad news.which one do you want first?"

Derrek said,"Tell me the bad news first."

The doctor said, "Your wife has syphillis."

Derrek exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could possibly be good news."

The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

OH MY GOD

An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl, Kate, who was clad in a bikini, and said,  "I want to feel your knockers."

"Stay away from me, you dirty old man," Kate replied.

"I want to feel them, I will give you $5" he said.

"$5? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel them, I will give you $10" he said.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$50" he said.

Kate paused to think for a moment, then quickly came to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$100 if you let me feel them," he said.

Kate thought to herself - this guy is old and $100 would be very handy. "Well, OK...but only for a minute," she said.

She loosened her bikini top and he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD" while he was caressing them.

Kate asked him "Why do you keep saying "Oh my god’?"

While continuing to fondle her, he answered "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...Where am I ever going to get $100?"

Was it my friend

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

In Case of Fire Break Glass

How a man can tell if a woman has PMS

1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"
13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll squish your tiny head" gesture.
15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
17. Everyone around her has an attitude problem .
18. She is adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.
20. You are suddenly agreeing to everything she says.
21. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
23. She is convinced there's a God and he's male.
24. She is counting down the days until menopause.
25. She's sure that everyone is scheming to drive her crazy.

You are not a Redneck if

1. You don't pee in the sink.
2. Your wife is not related to you
3. Your car ACTUALLY runs.
4. You have a full set of teeth.
5. You passed the 5th Grade.
6. None of your brothers names start with Billy Bob.
7. Your house costed more than your car.
8. The shower is ACTUALLY being used.
9. You never saw Elvis.
10. You don't miss the $100 question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"

Respect

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage . He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."

"What is that?" says the wife

"A bl*w job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."

Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Homesick

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

"I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
"You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
"We haven't got a policy on that".
"I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."

Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

Made-in-China

Three Drunk Men

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed.....  next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."

Husband Names

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. 

Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” 

Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, 

“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” 

Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” 

Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

You want my advice?

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

Italian restaurant

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

You're the first one

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears .

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," Sarah replied.

"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"