How a man can tell if a woman has PMS
- She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
- She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
- You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
- She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
- She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
- Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
- She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
- She retains more water than Lake Superior.
- She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
- She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
- You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
- She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"
- She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
- She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll squish your tiny head" gesture.
- She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
- She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
- Everyone around her has an attitude problem .
- She is adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.
- You are suddenly agreeing to everything she says.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- She is convinced there's a God and he's male.
- She is counting down the days until menopause.
- She's sure that everyone is scheming to drive her crazy.
You are not a Redneck if
- You don't pee in the sink.
- Your wife is not related to you
- Your car ACTUALLY runs.
- You have a full set of teeth.
- You passed the 5th Grade.
- None of your brothers names start with Billy Bob.
- Your house costed more than your car.
- The shower is ACTUALLY being used.
- You never saw Elvis.
- You don't miss the $100 question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
Respect
A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage . He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."
"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."
"What is that?" says the wife
"A bl*w job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."
"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."
"What is that?" says the wife
"A bl*w job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."
Blarney Stone
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Homesick
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
"You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
"We haven't got a policy on that".
"I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
"You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
"We haven't got a policy on that".
"I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
Three Drunk Men
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......
The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed..... next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......
The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed..... next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."
Husband Names
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”
Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked,
“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?”
Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.”
Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”
“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
You want my advice?
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
Italian restaurant
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.
He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.
Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."
He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.
Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."
You're the first one
The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears .
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.
"I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," Sarah replied.
"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.
"I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," Sarah replied.
"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
Bob and Johnny
Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.
They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.
As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"
They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.
As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"
How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
At least a roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
"This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."
"We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
Trust me
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Sardar goes to a quiz...
I'm sure you are gonna love this
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this"
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
Sardar asks for help from the University students
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards
5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean , has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
Sardar gives up.
SCROLL DOWN.......
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.
Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this"
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
Sardar asks for help from the University students
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards
5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean , has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
Sardar gives up.
SCROLL DOWN.......
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.
Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again
Math and Cats
Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Seven Sir”
Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Seven”
Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Seven!!!”
Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”
Very Angry Little Johnny: “Because I Already Have One At Home“
Little Johnny: “Seven Sir”
Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Seven”
Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”
Little Johnny: “Seven!!!”
Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”
Very Angry Little Johnny: “Because I Already Have One At Home“
Advanced Medical Technology
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced
medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking
for work.”
An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”
The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”
The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”
An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”
The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”
The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”
An Irish daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’
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