Texas Farmer in Australia

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Texting for Elderly people

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

Test for Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!




1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?




















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




















Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?




















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?




















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

What is an Irishman

An Irishman is a man who? 

• May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope... 
• Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast..... 
• Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies... 
• Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be..... 
• Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.... 
• Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.... 
• Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland..... 
• Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood... 
• Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.... 
• Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.... 
• Scorns money, but worships those who have it... 
• Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor...

Three Wishes of Irishman

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Charming Black Man

Fuss Over Wife

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago. It had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Barbeque Season

The summer brings with it the Barbeque season. It is significant to note the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a weekend, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbeque Routine

1) The wife buys the food.

2) The wife makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The wife prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the husband who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....

5) The wife goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The wife comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the wife.

More routine.....

8) The wife prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the wife clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks his wife how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Confidentially

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

What kind of Facebooker are you

1. Over Photo Editors
2. Extremely Frequent Status Updaters
3. Page Likers
4. Attention Seekers
5. Wall Posters
6. Farmvillers
7. Cars For Profile Picturers
8. Depressing Status Updaters
9. Spammers
10. Swearers
11. Constant Status Likers
12. Stalkers
13. Fake Relationship Statusers
14. Inboxers
15. Chatters
16. Pokers
17. Guys Who Take Photos In Mirrors
18. People Who Cant Spell
19. Song Lyrics For Status Makers
20. Over Reactors

Who Are you?

What are my chances of survival?

Fred was admitted to a hospital for a cerebral aneurysm surgery. Just before the operation, a worried Fred asked the doctor, "I heard this operation is highly risky. What are my chances of survival?"
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."

Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"

The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."

Old Soldiers

1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.

Rowdy Students

While visiting the East Street School in the country, the chairman of the Board of governors became agitated by the ruckus made by rowdy students in the adjoining room.

Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.

A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"

Box Puzzle

Impossibilities in the world

What is the Secret

Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.

One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"

"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dingaling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dingaling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."

"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.

"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

Beach Photobomber

Lesson in Logic

A fresh computer graduate from a world- class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'

'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.

'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.

'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.

'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Each one washes his face.'

'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'

'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?

When can I resume having sex with my wife?

An elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a question with his doctor, "Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my wife?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends- when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"

Captain and Sinking Ship

A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.

He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."