Barracks Door

General Smith got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open.
When leaving the room she said, “General Smith, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat

There was a little boy with a bad attitude.
He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard.
He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also.
He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too.
His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard.
She told him to wait 'til his dad got home.
His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room.
The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"

Annoying Lawyer

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

A Blind Man at a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

I screw anybody, any time

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. walking up behind her he says, "Hi There! Good looking! How's it going?"

She, Having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Hurricane Helga

A guy walks into a whore house and says, "I have been out at sea for a whole f*cking year, I want the wildest craziest wh*re you've got!"

The madam says, "that would be Hurricane Helga up in 4B."

So the guy goes up and knocks on 4B. The door suddenly opens and he is yanked inside. The lady in the room starts screaming at the top of her lungs in his ear.

"WHAT YOU HEAR IS THE WIND OF HURRICANE HELGA!"

She then grabs him and throws him on the bed, strips off her clothes, jumps naked up on the bed straddling him and begins to jump up and down "WHAT YOU FEEL IS HURRICANE HELGA SHAKING THE GROUND BENEATH YOU!

Then she sits on his chest and starts whipping him in the face with her huge t*ts back and forth, over and over. "WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE FORCE OF HURRICANE HELGA KNOCKING THE COCONUTS OUT OF THE TREES!"

The guy bolts right out of bed for the door. Hurricane Helga says,"Where are you going sweety?"

"Hey", says the guy, "There's no way that I can f*ck in this kind of weather!"

Breast Enlargement

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of  toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your @ss, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

What do you use to feed your pigs?

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

It's not a big deal but it feels good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

Why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

What does time matter to a pig?

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said.
"And also the best too.
I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

93 year old loving wife

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Noah And Today's Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

Show Business

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamor of show business!"

German Pilot

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.

The Nazi admitted that he did have a favor to ask. “The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?”

“Sure, pal.”

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. “The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.”

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.

“Many thanks,” whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. “I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm…”

“Now hang on just a darn minute,” interrupted the American angrily. “Are you trying to escape?”

You wouldn't dare shoot me

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Origin

Little Freddy was puzzled as to his origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Freddy, He did."
"And GRANDMA and GREAT GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Freddy, He did." Little Freddy shook his head in disbelief.
"Then you mean to tell me there's been no "f*cking" in this family for 100 years?!?!?
No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

Top 10 reason my hand is better than a women

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