Three faggots
There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide.
The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.
The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.
The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!
The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.
The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.
The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!
Top New Names For Sexual Positions
- The IRS position... where you just bend over and take it up the a*s with no lube.
- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.
- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).
- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to arse screwing).
- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).
- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)
- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.
- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.
- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.
- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).
- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:
The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"
- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.
- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).
- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to arse screwing).
- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).
- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)
- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.
- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.
- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.
- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).
- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:
The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"
One hole behind
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
Virgin airline sponsorship
Billionaire Virgin business group boss Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string of tournament defeats.
However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.
As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we got screwed in every match in England"!
However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.
As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we got screwed in every match in England"!
Why did that upset you?
Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."
Women's Compact Instruction Book
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
- Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Hypnotist
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
Best toast of the night
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, great & what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, great & what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'
Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
Tomatoes won't ripen
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
Worst Dream
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
Coincidences
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves!!!"
"That's funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves!!!"
A Confession
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 19 year-old girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 19 year-old girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody
Lost Husband
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30 things you learn from watching porn
- Women wear high heels to bed.
- Men are never impotent.
- When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
- If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
- Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
- Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
- Women always orgasm when men do.
- A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
- All women are noisy cummers.
- People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
- Those tits are real.
- A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
- Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
- If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
- Double penetration makes women smile.
- Asian men don't exist.
- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
- There's a plot.
- When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
- Nurses suck patients cocks.
- Men always pull out.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
- Women never have headaches... or periods.
- When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
- Assholes are clean.
- A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
- Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
- When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
- Simps and tricks never have to beg.
The Male Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
What's the big deal
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
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