Special Request
Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouthand the small dick?"
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouthand the small dick?"
The Train Ride
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Ey, boss I not come work today
Carlos calls into work and tells his boss: "Ey, boss I not come work today. I really sick. I got head ache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Making love to a midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
Irishman in a 4 engine jumbo jet
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here all day!!"
Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here all day!!"
It's celebratin', you are.
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
NFL fan
A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available.
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago.
Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago.
Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
21 Ways to be a good Democrat
- You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
- You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
- You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
- You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
- You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
- You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
- You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
- You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
- You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
- You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
- You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
- You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
- You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
- You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
- You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
- You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
- You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
- You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
- You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
- You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
Yo mama's so skinny
Yo mama's so skinny, she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
- "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs overseas.
- A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
- The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
- Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
- HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
- A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
- The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
- You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
- What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
Is that bet still on?
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
There is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
Sell it All
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
Satan and the Old Man
A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope," says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep."
"And you're still not afraid
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope," says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep."
"And you're still not afraid
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Claude & Maude
Claude and Maude, both 91, lived in a senior residence. They met one day in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening, and afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As both were basking in the glow of the magic moments they had shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts:
Claude was thinking:"If I had known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle...."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose!"
Claude was thinking:"If I had known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle...."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose!"
Military Warning Labels
“Aim towards the Enemy.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -U.S. Air Force Manual
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal
“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” –David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” -Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” -Anon
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” -Your Buddies
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -U.S. Air Force Manual
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal
“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” –David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” -Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” -Anon
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” -Your Buddies
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You KNOW I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and . . .
POINTER: I see it! There it is! There it is! There it is! Right there! Can you see it yet?
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.......
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of THEM. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You KNOW I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and . . .
POINTER: I see it! There it is! There it is! There it is! Right there! Can you see it yet?
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.......
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of THEM. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
Women believe
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, friggin a*sholes!
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, friggin a*sholes!
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