Not very funny in really life
Late Coming
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
She would want to do it again and again and again
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
I'll bet you're sorry
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
American Indian
A Desi came to USA, settled with green card, got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and invited friends for the house warming party.
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
Why don't you diet?
In the men's room this morning, i was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn't seen his penis in 15 years.
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said ... "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised stare, he said, "Dye it? For god's sake, what color is it now?"
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said ... "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised stare, he said, "Dye it? For god's sake, what color is it now?"
I'll rip out the partition
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms.
After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her p*ssy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her p*ssy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Born Leader
The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.
"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"
"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."
"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"
"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."
All insurance agents are thieves
The town lush drunkenly stumbles into a banquet hall when an insurance convention is taking place, ready to pick a fight. He shouts, "All insurance agents are thieves, and if you, (hiccup, got a problem with it ya ought to do something about it."
Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"
The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"
"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."
Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"
The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"
"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."
What's for Supper
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Technical Support
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, in-cognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
So generous
Jacob Levy had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.'
Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'
Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'
Bridal suite
Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room.
But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."
"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."
But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."
"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."
New Church Members
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
What am I going to do with you?
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
The fastest thing known is diarrhea
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied, ‘A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”"That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “
And now you sir?” he asked the second man.”Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”
He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.”Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.”It’s hard to beat the speed of light.”he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.”After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”"What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.”Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I Wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,blink or turn on the light, I’d dirty my pants!”
He got the job!
Moral: To out-smart others in a Job Interview, be creative,innovative & think out of the Box.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied, ‘A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”"That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “
And now you sir?” he asked the second man.”Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”
He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.”Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.”It’s hard to beat the speed of light.”he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.”After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”"What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.”Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I Wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,blink or turn on the light, I’d dirty my pants!”
He got the job!
Moral: To out-smart others in a Job Interview, be creative,innovative & think out of the Box.
Expecting Wife
A young soldier sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”
“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”
The Officer looked surprised.
“Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.”
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the officer lost his temper, “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he shouted.
“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the officer.
“Me.” said the soldier simply.
“You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”
“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”
The Officer looked surprised.
“Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.”
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the officer lost his temper, “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he shouted.
“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the officer.
“Me.” said the soldier simply.
First Wedding Night
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
ONLY MARRIED MEN
An IT services company had a policy of hiring
ONLY MARRIED men.
Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO.
She asked, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Do you consider us women are Weak, Dumb, Tantrum throwers or Bossy?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied. "It is ONLY because our policy is to hire staff :-
-Who are used to obeying orders without questioning,
-Who are accustomed to being bossed over,
-Know how to keep quiet
-Put up with anything when I yell at them.
ONLY MARRIED men.
Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO.
She asked, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Do you consider us women are Weak, Dumb, Tantrum throwers or Bossy?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied. "It is ONLY because our policy is to hire staff :-
-Who are used to obeying orders without questioning,
-Who are accustomed to being bossed over,
-Know how to keep quiet
-Put up with anything when I yell at them.
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