Seeing-eye dog

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

I'm not an Abo

An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock. So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed.

In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview.

The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos."

"Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel O'Connor!"
"I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not an Abo!"
"I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you looked in a mirror lately?"

The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my God, they woke the wrong bloke!"

Do you know what I am doing?

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

Redneck BBQ

It work better on a PC

Alternate for Plastic Surgery

Best and Cheapest

Alternate for Plastic Surgery

Bat Girl

Little sister

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

Don't ye believe me?

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the ladsstopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Italian Army

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general.
That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly.
"Colonel!" he spat out.
"Yes, general!" the colonel quavered.
"Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously.
The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right.
Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

Bee Chastity

An Alternate To Chastity Belts And

More Discouraging Than Chastity Best

What a coincidence

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I´m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I´m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I´m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Wings and Halo

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I’ll go to the other place."

"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"

"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

Family Reunion

What are you waiting for?

A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."

Hers or Yours?

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

The Simple Truth Admit It

The Simple Truth Admit It

Terminator The Early Years

Terminator The Early Years

Fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I also wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Wife or a mistress

A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work." !!!

Difference between mothers and fathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between mothers and fathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving father who always made a special effort to spend time with his child on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his daughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his daughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with ma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dip shit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"