Condoms with pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that youmean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her arse, and I aim to kill it."

What’s the trick?

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his mulish camel.
Shalom sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.
He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn’t budge.
“Oh, I can fix that,” she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel’s belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.
Lt. Shalom was astounded. “Ma’am, what did you do? What’s the trick?”
“Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his privates.”
“Well, miss, you’d better tickle mine too, because I’ve got to catch that camel!”

Lady Gaga Doll

A veterinarian

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Women Remote Control - Every Man's Desire

EVERY MAN'S DESIRE

Get Out of My Head

What kind of tattoo did you get?

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Laws on Girls

• If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
• The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
• The more the makeup, worse the looks...
• "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
• The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
• If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed...
• The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
• Theory of relativity.. .... 
• more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
• Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
• Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
• Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
• The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
• You are dressed badly
• You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
• Have a bad hair day
• All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin Ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.
• The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
• The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold

• 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

• 6th year -- "You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Try those on

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."

Married Again

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

A Blonde and Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,  covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."

Sperm Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1. Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2. Multiply by 3 then
3. Add 3
4. Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
6. Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. George Bush
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Barack Obama
8. Babe Ruth
9. Crazymady.com
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Mother Theresa

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

Black Bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Guess Who?

Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

I take salts

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

Sucide Bombers Training