Making love properly

An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

They Dance with the Brain

Tan Tattoo

Is that for sale

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered butt, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Two Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,
"I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, nd we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bl*w job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Easy Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Divorce Letter - One of the Funniest

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an a*s that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is?

Love,
Dan

Faith healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Pussy Treats

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Internet Porn

Internet Porn

More Valuable than Freedom

Wisdom

A 89-year-old Father from God's own country was dying.

The Mallus gathered around his bed trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They tried giving him some warm milk to drink, but he refused it.

One of the son took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, he opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Father's bed, he held the glass to his father lips. Father drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, he had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Father," the son asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

Father raised himself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"

Funny Toilet Advice

Funny Toilet Advice

The Candle

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out that damn candle!"

Beerman

BEER MAN

 

Poker Game

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, 'Now, who is going to tell the wife?'

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

'Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.'

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, 'Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'

She hollers, 'TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'

Rippington says, 'O.K.'

Nano beats Ferrari in race

In the race between Nano & Ferrari,
Nano won the race!

The Engineers at TATA are Shocked!
How did this happen............

After further investigation, they found out that Ferrari was driven by Shumacher.

While Nano was driven by Rajnikanth

And the case rests!

LOL!!

Did he tell you what gauge to get

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

What do I look like, a weatherman

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?' He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.'

I've never cheated on you

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''

He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''

The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''

The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''

''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''

''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''

She nodded. ''One more.''

The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''

Some good news and some bad news

Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said John, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Jill replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK darling," said John, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"Okay," agreed Jill. "Well, the air bag works...bye!"