1. F***ing once a week is good for health, But is harmful if done everyday.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation to Mind & Body.
3.F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't take heavy food, opt for liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
6. F***ing reduces weight for sure...
"FASTing" is really good for Health !!!
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
101 Lies Men Tell Women
- I'll call you.
- I love you.
- You're the only one.
- I've never felt this way about anyone else.
- I've got to work late at the office tonight.
- That's the best sex I've ever had.
- You've got the most beautiful eyes
- No, I'm not married
- Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
- You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
- I'm ready to make a commitment.
- Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
- My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
- We'll get married as soon as I ...
- I'll be home in twenty minutes.
- It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time with my kids.
- I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
- I've been celibate since we broke up.
- I could never lie to you.
- I can still last all night
- I always use a condom
- I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
- I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
- I tested HIV negative
- I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
- The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
- No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
- I'm too tired
- How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
- When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
- I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
- It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
- I'd never do anything to hurt you.
- I want to grow old with you
- Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
- Our having sex won't change a thing between us
- Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
- I'm going to leave my wife
- You're nothing at all like my mother
- Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
- It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
- Even without sex, we'd still be friends
- I think older women are the most exciting
- I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
- What attracts me to you is your mind
- We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
- Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
- I've never had an affair before
- You're the only one who understands me
- I've never been in therapy
- You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
- No, I'm not seeing anyone else
- I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
- How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
- Your career is as important as mine
- I promise you that I'll change
- I want us to remain close friends always
- My wife and I have an understanding
- You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
- I don't masturbate
- Let's be friends first
- When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
- I'd like you even if you were a man
- It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
- The difference between us will bring us even closer
- I spend everything I earn on you and the kids
- No, I never said that
- You make me feel like a kid again
- I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)
- I'll move wherever you want
- Of course I'm not bored with you
- As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
- You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
- It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those
- Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours
- I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you
- Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind
- Sure, I'll watch the kids
- It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.
- We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire
- You're the only reason I've worked so hard
- If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
- No one's ever turned me on like you do
- My boss says there's nothing to worry about
- I'll never tell
- Relax, she's just a friend
- This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
- Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic
- It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing
- Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
- Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
- No, I don't think you're fat
- You're the woman I should have married
- I'm going to be focusing on my wokr for a while now.
- I guarantee you, I'm not the father
- Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
- I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
- It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
- This time I'm really serious
- Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
- I'll always take care of you.
ORGASM TYPES . . .
How many of these orgasms have you had?
- Sex in a boat = Oargasms
- Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
- Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
- Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
- Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
- Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
- Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
- Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
- Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
- Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
- Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
- Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
- Sex while broke = Poorgasms
- Sex with a lion = Roargasms
- Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
- Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
- Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
- Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
- Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
- Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
- Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
- Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
- Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
- Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
- Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
- Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
- Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
- Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
- Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
- Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
- Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
- Sex that isn’t very satisfying = There’s the doorgasms
- Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
- Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
- Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
- Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
- Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
- Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
- Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
- Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
- Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
- Sex while flying = Soargasms
- Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
- Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
- Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
- Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
- Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
- Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
- Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
- Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
- Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
- Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
- Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
- Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
- Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
- Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
- Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
- Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
- Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
- Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
- Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
- Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
- Sex without a climax = Nogasms
A lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
What Men Call Their Women
What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....
Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus -- See The Wife.
My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus -- See The Wife.
My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
I love to fish
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
THE REAL MAN'S TEST
This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.
Circlethe best answer to each question below. Answers below
1. Impotence is
a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties
2. A menstrual cycle has
a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along
3. The G-spot is
a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men
4. Masturbate refers to
a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone
5. Premature ejaculation is
a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal
6. A Douche is
a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"
7. Lesbian refers to
a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better
8. Vagina is
a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility
9. Pornography is
a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets
10. KOTEX is
a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one
11. A wet dream is likely to occur
a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands
SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).
If you got 11 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding a woman worthy of your attentions.
If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites...
If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality... anyone's sexuality!
if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.
Circlethe best answer to each question below. Answers below
1. Impotence is
a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties
2. A menstrual cycle has
a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along
3. The G-spot is
a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men
4. Masturbate refers to
a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone
5. Premature ejaculation is
a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal
6. A Douche is
a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"
7. Lesbian refers to
a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better
8. Vagina is
a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility
9. Pornography is
a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets
10. KOTEX is
a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one
11. A wet dream is likely to occur
a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands
SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).
If you got 11 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding a woman worthy of your attentions.
If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites...
If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality... anyone's sexuality!
if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.
Full Suit
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Signs Of Menopause
Hot Flashes ~ You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Mood Swings ~ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Memory Loss ~ You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
Irritability ~ Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f*ucking Nelson."
Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
Fatigue ~ You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence ~ You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."
Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
Mood Swings ~ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Memory Loss ~ You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
Irritability ~ Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f*ucking Nelson."
Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
Fatigue ~ You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence ~ You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."
Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
Smart Parrot
A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
WHAT I OWE MY IRISH MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
New Year resolutions
My previous resolutions with questionable success rate:
(How I became more realistic with my new year resolutions):
2002: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2006: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2007: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2008: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #2:
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #3:
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
(How I became more realistic with my new year resolutions):
2002: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2006: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2007: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2008: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #2:
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #3:
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Dammit Skippy
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!
Partner swapping
Two couples had arranged to spend a long weekend at a country house hotel. On the drive to the hotel they shared a car and during the 2 hour journey they agreed that, to spice up the weekend, they would try a little partner swapping.
Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.
"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?
Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.
"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?
Ballerina
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'
Stuck to the Floor
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”
Bet on almost anything
Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on.
A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!"
The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?"
Woman, "Most anything."
Bartender, "Like what for instance?"
Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!"
Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your price."
Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks."
Woman, "Ok!"
Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.
"Your turn," she replies.
Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.
Woman, "Hey.... NO HANDS!"
A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!"
The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?"
Woman, "Most anything."
Bartender, "Like what for instance?"
Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!"
Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your price."
Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks."
Woman, "Ok!"
Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.
"Your turn," she replies.
Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.
Woman, "Hey.... NO HANDS!"
Sexual Problem
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Blonde Yearly Diary
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
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