Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.
Slow reader
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
Love Letter from HR to his Girlfriend
Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girl friend?
Dearest Ms. SweetGal
Sub: Offer of love!
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs,
I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take! up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
Request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Dearest Ms. SweetGal
Sub: Offer of love!
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs,
I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take! up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
Request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Making cakes
A little girl and her mother were walking through the park. One day they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl asked: "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies: "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks: "How do you know?"
She says: "Because I licked the icing off the sofa!"
The little girl asked: "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies: "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks: "How do you know?"
She says: "Because I licked the icing off the sofa!"
Try startling
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
95th birthday
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
Diplomacy
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Mirror from Antique Shop
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
Glory and Shame
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
Really gorgeous receptionist
When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."
"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."
"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"
"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"
"You Bet!" answered Dan.
"The one with the body that won't quit?"
"Right.."
"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"
Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"
Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"
"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."
"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."
"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"
"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"
"You Bet!" answered Dan.
"The one with the body that won't quit?"
"Right.."
"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"
Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"
Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"
A mother and a baby camel
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,
"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the Lahore Zoo?"
"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the Lahore Zoo?"
Pastors and Mice
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.
The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."
The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"
The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."
The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"
Don't cum without me
Once upon a time these 2 gay guys were screwing when the doorbell rang. The one in the back said, "Don't cum without me; I'm going to go get rid of whoever this is."
The 'front' guy said he wouldn't. So, the 'back' guy comes back from answering the door to find cum shot ALL over the room, the bed, the dresser, etc.
He yelled, "I told you not to cum without me!"
The second guy said, "I didn't; I farted."
The 'front' guy said he wouldn't. So, the 'back' guy comes back from answering the door to find cum shot ALL over the room, the bed, the dresser, etc.
He yelled, "I told you not to cum without me!"
The second guy said, "I didn't; I farted."
That time of the month
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Falling Blonde
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, sh*t!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Sh*t!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man asked "Do you f*ck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't f*ck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I f*ck!"
"Sl*t..." the man said....and dropped her.
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Sh*t!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man asked "Do you f*ck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't f*ck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I f*ck!"
"Sl*t..." the man said....and dropped her.
Mother-in-law
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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