- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neurone short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
- Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Performance review quotes:-
Guess what we are eating
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
Wrinkles
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Trivial Pursuit
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Old Geezers
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.
"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.
"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.
"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.
"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
Shut the f*** up!
A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.
Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.
One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”
Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.
One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”
Who is this?
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
The Bet
A guy walks into a wh*rehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a bl*wjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
Redneck Logic
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're gay.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're gay.'
Secrect way of Fishing
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
Boy needs some relief
A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you f*cked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you f*ck mine!"
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you f*cked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you f*ck mine!"
Puzzle To Puzzle You
Ques. 1:
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING????
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A TOMATO...
AND THE "TRING TRING TRING" WAS TO CONFUSE YOU...
Anyway... Here s one more...
Ques 2 :
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you...
Anyway... Here s one more...
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A CAKE...
and both were to confuse you...
Anyway...
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What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A Fire Brigade Obviously...
U thought...
I was trying to Confuse You...
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING????
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A TOMATO...
AND THE "TRING TRING TRING" WAS TO CONFUSE YOU...
Anyway... Here s one more...
Ques 2 :
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you...
Anyway... Here s one more...
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A CAKE...
and both were to confuse you...
Anyway...
Here's one more...
What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A Fire Brigade Obviously...
U thought...
I was trying to Confuse You...
How can I possibly repay you?
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
I like the way you think
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
A cut on my thumb
This fella was celebrating his 50th birthday.
So some friends from work took him to this great restaurant to celebrate his 50th birthday.
While sitting at his table, the waiter aproaches him to take his dinner "order". This birthday boy says,
"I'll have a thick steak and all the fixings to go along with it."
The waiter asks him if he'd care for a bowl of soup with his dinner and this fella says, that sounds "good".
The waiter goes back to the kitchen and after about 45 minutes returns with the ordered bowl of soup, but the birthday boy that ordered the soup noticed that the waiter had had his thumb in "his soup" during his return from the kitchen.
The fella that is celebrating his birthday looks at the waiter and says, I don't want "that soup! cause he did'nt know where that waiter had his hands last.
The waiter leans down and asks this fella, you see this cut on my thumb and the guy says yeh. Well my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a "warm,moist place" so it would heal quick.
The guy looks up at him and says, why don't you shove it up your ass and the waiter says, I DO !, when I'm in the kitchen!!.
So some friends from work took him to this great restaurant to celebrate his 50th birthday.
While sitting at his table, the waiter aproaches him to take his dinner "order". This birthday boy says,
"I'll have a thick steak and all the fixings to go along with it."
The waiter asks him if he'd care for a bowl of soup with his dinner and this fella says, that sounds "good".
The waiter goes back to the kitchen and after about 45 minutes returns with the ordered bowl of soup, but the birthday boy that ordered the soup noticed that the waiter had had his thumb in "his soup" during his return from the kitchen.
The fella that is celebrating his birthday looks at the waiter and says, I don't want "that soup! cause he did'nt know where that waiter had his hands last.
The waiter leans down and asks this fella, you see this cut on my thumb and the guy says yeh. Well my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a "warm,moist place" so it would heal quick.
The guy looks up at him and says, why don't you shove it up your ass and the waiter says, I DO !, when I'm in the kitchen!!.
There's something wrong with my..
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
*****Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
*****Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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