Have two men at once

Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building.
 

One of them said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at once."

There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her.

She then laughed and continued, "One to do the cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."

17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man

1. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
3. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
4. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend!
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Complain.
10. Hate any bar he likes.
11. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
12. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.
13. Remember that ANY woman who so much as glimpses at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
14. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
15. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 1.
16. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
17. Weasel yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

The Pro's of Womanhood

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
• We can be groupies - Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can smile and get off speeding fines.
• Taxis stop for us.
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
• Free drinks!
• Free dinners!
• We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
• We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
• We know the truth about whether size matters.
• Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
• It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
• No fashion faux pas we could make would ever rival Speedo's.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her ass.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb some people think it's cute.
• We have an excuse to be a total witch at least once a month.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look like an idiot.
• Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask if there is spinach in our teeth.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
• Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Russian Roulette and African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.
One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"

It's a Mushroom

I slept with your mother

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Strange noises

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents" room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It’s ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

Tennessee Volunteer fan

Two boys are playing football in Huntsville, Alabama, when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a big board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Alabama Crimson Tide Fan Rescues Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Alabama Crimson Tide fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry -- since we're in Huntsville, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Auburn Tigers Fan Rescues Friend From Deathly Attack," he continues in his notebook.

"I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone who lived in the Alabama area was either for Alabama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

What do you do all day?

What do you do all day??

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes, ' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it...'

Men Are Like

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are likeWeather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like BlendersYou need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Love Humor? Join our Group Funzug!

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like ..Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are likePopcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

Free milk and Sausage

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

G-Spot and a golf ball

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

SEMINARS FOR MEN

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Can Do Housework Too
3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
12. You - The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons to give Flowers
14. How to stay awake after sex
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
16. Rubbish - Getting it out of the house.
17. You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
18. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
19. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
20. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
21. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
22. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
23. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
24. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
26. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
27. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
29. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
30. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
31. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
32. The Attainable Goal - Omitting *@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
33. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

Employee Resignation

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.

Thanks & Regards
Employee

Blondes and Brunettes

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights

Coffee bar

Question: What shouldn't you wear at a coffee bar?
Answer: A "tea" shirt!

The Corporate language !!

"We will do it" means " You will do it"

"You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

"We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

"Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done... At least not tomorrow !".

"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

"There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

"Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

"We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

"We had slight differences of opinion" means "We had actually fought"

"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

"You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

"We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

"We are a team" means "I am not the only one to be blamed"

"That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

"All the Best" means " You are in trouble"

HR Language........What they really mean..

• “COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.
• “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
• “MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• “DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.
• “CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• “APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
• “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
• “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Pappu & Ravan! - A Management Lesson

Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year of deep meditation Ravan was pleased and appeared in front of Pappu and decided to give him 3 vardans (wishes).

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?

PAPPU: I want 100 vardans

RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans

PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.

PAPPU: No I want 100 vardans only

RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.

PAPPU: Ok! But whatever I will ask, you will definitely give me?

RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.

PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.

RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.

PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass..!!

RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

Moral of the story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their ass.

Is your girlfriend lesbian