A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'''
Scared sleeping
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Snowplowing and Blonde
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Michigan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
The rattlesnake farm
A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real FRIENDS are.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real FRIENDS are.
Yo mama has
- Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
- Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
- Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
- Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
- Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
- Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
- Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
- Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.
- Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
- Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.
- Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
- Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.
- Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
- Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.
- Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.
- Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.
Yo mama is so greasy
- Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
- Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
- Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
Big Bad Wolf
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams
,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams
,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"
When did this happen?
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Thank you for your order
DEAR MADAM:
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THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
What happened in Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”
Nashagai ana
An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.
As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."
The American asks, "What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."
As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."
The American asks, "What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."
Everyone knows Morton
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss’s surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin’s tour.
Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.”
Morton shrugs. “We play golf together.”
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”
Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.”
Morton shrugs. “We play golf together.”
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”
Yo mama is so stupid
- Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
- Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
- Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
- Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
- Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
- Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
- Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
- Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
- Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
- Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
- Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
- Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
- Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
- Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
- Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
- Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
- Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
- Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
- Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
- Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
- Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
- Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
- Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
- Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
- Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
- Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
- Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
- Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
- Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
- Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
- Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
- Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
- Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
- Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
- Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
- Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
- Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
- Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
- Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Black Eyes
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Who to Marry
There was a man who was seeing girlfriends, but did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $2000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, and tells the man, “I spent the money to look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.
”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, and tells the man, “I spent the money to look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.
”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Wedding and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Chinese Doctor
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American Docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American Docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’
Probability and Sex
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
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