Turn it around

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're p*ssy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,

"YUCK, these taste like sh*t!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

Do something!!

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofab*itch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofab*tch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here?"

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We'regoing about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and anoverturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said,"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bl*wjob you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A B*TCH CAN DRIVE!"

It was at that moment

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat arse. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, b*tch, like the sl*t you are.)

I'm really worried about my wife

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

How was it?

Little Johnny hears the word wh*rehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! - Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.

"Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WH*REHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Homesick

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h*rny, I'm homesick."

Outrageous Demand

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

Chemistry can be complicated!

Two guys are conversing in the Mens Toilet during Chemistry Exams...

Guy 1 : You Gotta Help Me!
Guy 2 : I am just here to pee...I can't help during test.

Guy 1 : Please help, or else I will fail.
Guy 2 : Okay, be quick...ask what you want to know?

Guy 1 : What is the symbol for Nobelium?
Guy 2 : NO

Guy 1 : But you said you will tell me...
Guy 2 : NO!

Guy 1 : Ok, leave it tell me symbol for Sodium ?
Guy 2 : Na!

Guy 1 : Damn, at least tell me symbol for Potassium ?
Guy 2 : K!

Guy 1 : What's okay?
Guy 2 : Just K!

Guy 1 : What's just OK?
Guy 2 : You Mean OK2?

Guy 1 : Whats OK too?
Guy 2 : Potassium Oxide.

Guy 1 : Oxide?
Guy 2 : O

Guy 1 : Oh! What??
Guy 2 : Oxygen

Guy 1 : Damn not Oxygen, I asked for Potassium ?
Guy 2 : K

Guy 1 : No
Guy 2 : Nobelium

Guy 1 : Nobelium?
Guy 2 : NO

Guy 1 : Just give me the answer of bonus question. What's Element166?
Guy 2 : UHH

Guy 1 : Go on?
Guy 2 : UHH

Guy 1 : Uhh??
Guy 2 : Exactly

Guy 1 : NO, what is it???
Guy 2 : Nobelium

Guy 1 : For God's sake at least tell me symbol for URANIUM!
Guy 2 : That's U !

Guy 1 : I know that's upto me ...but I am asking for your help !!
Guy 2 : U !

Guy 1 : No you !!!
Guy 2 : Nobelium . Uranium

Guy 1 : You are an A*s!!
Guy 2 : U AR N AS.....that's URANIUM (U) ARGON (AR) NITROGEN (N) Arsenic (AS)

Guy 1 : You Are An A*s!!!
Guy 2 : Exactly !!

Guy 1 : Baaah!!!
Guy 2 : Barium !

That's amazing!

Paddy weighs 250lbs, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks - and, you should loose 20lbs."

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 80lbs.

"That's amazing!" the doc said.

Paddy nodded, "I'll tell you, I thought I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."

"What, from hunger?" said the doc.

"No, from the damn skipping!"

Two nuns at the fruit market

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers.
The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !"
 The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."

Twice a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
 "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

What's a Breathalyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

Smart Daughter

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."

First confession

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Dreadful habit

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter makes the inspection.
The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.
St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

A soap dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
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A hundred dollar bill.