Perfect

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a p*nis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his p*nis in hand said, "Son this is a p*nis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect p*nis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a p*nis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect p*nis!"

The Best Crap Of Your Life

We all enjoy a good satisfying crap. But did you know that you can transform a regular crap into a fantastic crap? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life…

1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you.

2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your sh-t. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant a*s blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the crap goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and p*ss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent sh*tter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic crap of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen HDTV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid crap from your arse and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got sh*t stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper.

8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your arse, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.

Foul Language in Office

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28,

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a*s.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a*s.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Screw it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a*s.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b*tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream "Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?"

His dad simply replied, "Mmmmm… just making your brother, Johnny.....go back to bed."

The next day when the father got home from work, he found Johnny crying on the stoop....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied, "Oh daddy, this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother!"

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

Happy New Year

Wish you All a Very

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now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

According to the box

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skating...."

Christmas Q&A

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Constipation problem

An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Many definitions of Marriage

[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;

[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";

[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;

[4] a very good way to promote civilization -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates}

[5] a process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;

[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

[7] a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

[8] a ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;

[9] something that changes the demeanour of a driver -- there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;

[10] the only permanent cure for love;

[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;

[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;

[13] something which is called a feast -- unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;

[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;

[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;

[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;

[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;

[19] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;

[20] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of sh*t… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the Linkrest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whiskey being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like f*cking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic bl*w-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

Best Memory

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

How low can you get!

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”

The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for f*cking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted!

They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!”

To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

Don't be angry

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Senior Golfer

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

How dare you fart?

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

Music saved my life

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

You Better Be First One

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: “I have missed you so much and I can’t wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do “it” as soon as I step ashore.”

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: “I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards.”

Any questions?

The mess sergeant was lecturing about waste. “You men have got to make better use of our leftovers. For instance, what can we do with left-over carrots?”

Nothing but puzzled shrugs came from the men.

“OK, so you can’t figure R. You can make carrot pie. That’s what you can do with leftover carrots. Doesn’ it make sense?”

The sergeant paused to give them a chance to absorb his words. Then he asked, “Any questions?”

A hand was raised and a voice asked, “Sir, what can you do with the leftover pie?”