Don't be angry

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Senior Golfer

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

How dare you fart?

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

Music saved my life

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

You Better Be First One

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: “I have missed you so much and I can’t wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do “it” as soon as I step ashore.”

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: “I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards.”

Any questions?

The mess sergeant was lecturing about waste. “You men have got to make better use of our leftovers. For instance, what can we do with left-over carrots?”

Nothing but puzzled shrugs came from the men.

“OK, so you can’t figure R. You can make carrot pie. That’s what you can do with leftover carrots. Doesn’ it make sense?”

The sergeant paused to give them a chance to absorb his words. Then he asked, “Any questions?”

A hand was raised and a voice asked, “Sir, what can you do with the leftover pie?”

Dog Wars

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

West German Army

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.

So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn’t very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, “You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.”

Conclusion?

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin’s welfare and Martin says: “Father, I am all confused and scared.”

Father: “Why Martin, what’s going on?”

Martin: “My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison.”

Father: “That can’t be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next Sunday after sermon.”

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: “Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?”

Martin: “Yes father.”

Father: “Take that poison.”

Irish Girl Sun Bathing

funny picture

Many Types Of Orgasms

  • Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
  • Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
  • Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
  • Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
  • Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
  • Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
  • Sex with a prostitute = wh*re-gasms
  • Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
  • Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
  • Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
  • Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
  • Sex while broke = poor-gasms
  • Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
  • Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
  • Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
  • Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
  • Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
  • Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
  • Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
  • Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
  • Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
  • Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
  • Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
  • Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
  • Sex while flying = soar-gasms
  • Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
  • Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
  • Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
  • Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
  • Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
  • Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
  • Sex without a climax = no-gasms

You are right

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time.

Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better".

"Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."

A Young Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

I think I choked her

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

You may be a “Redneck Marine” if

  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at night.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next door.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

Tit for Tat

Funny Picture , Adult Joke

Upset stomach

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Public Ethics

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat on the train and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. . . . .
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. . . . .
No, honey, not with that blonde from accounting. With the boss. . . . .
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. . . . .
Yes, I'm sure . . . . cross my heart . . . . "

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, so she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

So True

Funny Picture

Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”