Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

Conclusion?

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin’s welfare and Martin says: “Father, I am all confused and scared.”

Father: “Why Martin, what’s going on?”

Martin: “My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison.”

Father: “That can’t be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next Sunday after sermon.”

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: “Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?”

Martin: “Yes father.”

Father: “Take that poison.”

Irish Girl Sun Bathing

Many Types Of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = wh*re-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms

You are right

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time.

Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better".

"Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."

A Young Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

I think I choked her

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

You may be a “Redneck Marine” if

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at night.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next door.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

Tit for Tat

Upset stomach

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Public Ethics

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat on the train and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. . . . .
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. . . . .
No, honey, not with that blonde from accounting. With the boss. . . . .
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. . . . .
Yes, I'm sure . . . . cross my heart . . . . "

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, so she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

So True

Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”

Perfect Son ............

A:I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie. “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!” Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

Why is everybody rushing?

The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert..He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I don’t see a single woman.”
“You’ll see,” the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
I see what you mean, but I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?”
“What?‚ exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”

Five cannibals at an air base.

Five cannibals get jobs as contractors at an air base.
During their orientation, the First Sergeant says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the chow hall for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other personnel”.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the First Sergeant returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Airmen has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the First Sergeant has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the Airman?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Lieutenants, Captains and Majors and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat an Airman!”

The 10 Commandments of a Military Wife

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.
2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments of other uniformed branches of serivce.
3. Love thy neighbor.
4. Honor thy Commissary and Exchange as long as they both shall live.
5. Thou shalt not ridiclue a local politician, for mighty senators from local politicians grow.
6. Thou shalt look for the best in each assignment, though the best might be “Most childhood diseases in one year”, or “Record snow in one months time.”
7. Thou shalt remember all thy friends on all thy assignments with a Christmas Card, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth a night with them while enroute to a new post/base.
8. Be kind and gentle to retired, white haired Exchange and Commissary customers, because thou too will be a retiree someday.
9. Thou shalt not curse thy husband when he’s on TDY on moving day.
10. Thou must never arrive at a new post/base and constantly brag about how much better everything was at the last post/base