I have two sisters at home

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Of course I am mad

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.

The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”

Lab Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."

What do you mean?

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

What are you going to do with that?

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open the window, it stinks in here for Heaven's sake."

Speak softly !

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat too.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, didn't you, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says
"Sssshh ! Speak softly ! Just let them land!"

Discuss with your wife

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your p*nis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it. "

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, did you speak to your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

What do you think my reward might be?

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

There was a Blonde

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Men and Women

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Foreman

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves org@sm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown org@sm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has a room-shaking, screaming, org@sm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, son!!"

10 facts about you

Toupee

A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested. The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down.

Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit.

A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate. He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing.

The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

What are you doing?

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Wife's Diary VS Husband's Diary:

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Effecient Brain

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making  the brain a faster and more efficient machine.