Bikie and Policeman

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.
He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

What's a WIFE?

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F@ck, Etc."

Polish Wife

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

Lady GAGA Clothes Donation

I cant sleep in the barn

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.

Three-Legged chickens?

I was driving down the interstate in a rural area when a chicken passed me doing 65 mph. I sped up and passed the chicken. A few minutes later, the same bird passed me again; this time he was doing 75 mph. Startled, I floored the accelerator, got my car up to 85, and blew by the bird, for good I thought. But sure enough, five minutes later he went by me again. This time he passed me at 95 mph and made a right turn off the freeway onto a farm next to the interstate.

I immediately exited and drove up to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. When the farmer opened the door, I told the farmer of my experience with his speedy poultry and he told me, "Oh, that must be one of my three-legged chickens!"

I asked, "How did you end up with three-legged chickens?"

He responded, "I have nine children. They all love drumsticks, so I bred three-legged chickens to keep my kids satisfied."

It sounded logical to me, so I curiously asked, "How do they taste?"

The farmer answered, "Don't know -- can't catch 'em!"

A Sex Test For Rednecks

Answer the following questions with either True or False.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels....True or False.

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems....True or False.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.... True or False.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack....True or False.

5. The clitoris is a type of flower....True or False.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle....True or False.

7. Semen is a term for sailors....True or False.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly....True or False.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus....True or False.

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit....True or False.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Tulsa....True or False.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish....True or False.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument....True or False.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke....True or False.

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute....True or False.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex....True or False.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir....True or False.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry....True or False.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle....True or False.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote....True or False.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East....True or False.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass....True or False.

23. Pornography is the business of making records....True or False.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin....True or False.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"....True or False.

Charm school?

Two ladies were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?"

The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school."

The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?"

The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a f*ck,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's good! That's very, very good!"!'"

The Priest

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy that she ran home and told her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor!

Military Officer Fitness Reports

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

Hungry Snake

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Curse of 40 Years

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Person's Personality Based on Drink

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.


Male Drinks

He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.

Johnny and Priest

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fu|(in' trousers backwards."

Bad News

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

Ironically

Distraction

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her bre@sts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her bre@sts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

In Bed and At School

Windows 8 Home Edition

What's His Problem

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous er*ction.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."