Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
School Prank
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
ID Proof
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he
approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please
cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Illegal Fire Arm
One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the
local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over
his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after
paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the
sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite
his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in
an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds
down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over.
He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the
fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer,
he sees the officer is writing him a summons!
Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?"
The officer replies, "Possession of an illegal fire arm."
Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?"
The officer replies, "Possession of an illegal fire arm."
Three different kinds of sex after marriage
Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?
First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.
Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.
Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"
First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.
Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.
Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"
Funny One Liners
A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.
You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
If you want a new idea, read an old book.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.
I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.
You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
If you want a new idea, read an old book.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.
I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Borrowing Neighbour
Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.
"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?
"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?
Nerds are in season now
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."
Welcome Party
Archie, a successful business man
becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.
After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”
The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."
After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”
The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."
Political Satire
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
What ever are we going to do?
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Where's your homework?
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"
Are you Irish?"
"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."
The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?"
The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.
Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
"Because you're in a blooming shoe shop," replied the assistant.
The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?"
The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.
Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
"Because you're in a blooming shoe shop," replied the assistant.
Where the hell are you jerk ?
Wife: Where the hell are you jerk ?
Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"
Wife: Yeah I remember my love !
Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!
Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"
Wife: Yeah I remember my love !
Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!
But how?
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence
indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"
Grandpa and Little Johnny
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."
What kind of deal?
Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money.
But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the
bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next
week, I promise."
"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"
"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.
"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.
"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.
"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.
"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"
"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.
"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.
"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.
"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.
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