Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Homesick

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

"I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
"You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
"We haven't got a policy on that".
"I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."

Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

Made-in-China

Three Drunk Men

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed.....  next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."

Husband Names

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. 

Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” 

Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, 

“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” 

Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” 

Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

You want my advice?

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

Italian restaurant

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

You're the first one

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears .

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," Sarah replied.

"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

Bob and Johnny

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?

At least a roomful - they have to hold a meeting  to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

"This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."

"We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

Trust me

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Sardar goes to a quiz...

I'm sure you are gonna love this

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean , has its name based on
which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up.

SCROLL DOWN.......

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

Math and Cats

Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven Sir”

Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven”

Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven!!!”

Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”

Very Angry Little Johnny: “Because I Already Have One At Home“

Advanced Medical Technology

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’

Successful Marriage

[1] is one in which the husband knows when to remember and a wife knows what to forget;
[2] is achieved when silence between two people is comfortable;
[3] is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next;
[4] is when a female hypochondriac marries a pill;
[5] is one in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man that made them so;
[6] is not so much finding the right person - but being the right person;
[7] is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction;
[8] is when either party is good at taking orders.

That's awful

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school.

Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."

"Why not?" asks Joey.

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?"

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

Texan Women

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath: "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

Funny Statements Patient's Charts

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

1. "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
2. "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized." 
3. "The skin was moist and dry." 
4. "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." 
5. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce." 
6. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." 
7. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." 
8. "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." 
9. "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles." 
10. "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation." 
11. "She is numb from her toes down." 
12. "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot." 
13. "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." 
14. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." 
15. "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."