Mate Match

The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously): "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah"

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No"

DJ: "Good"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "In the a*s...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

I must have been tight

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.

So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

Tickle Me Elmo toys

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, A Blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Blonde surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Blonde .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

Two housewives in Coffee Bar

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responed, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Similarities between Wife & Exams

1. Lots of Questions
2. Difficult to Understand
3. Always require Detailed Explanation
4. Results always UNEXPECTED

Phone Call

Jake and Mary have an agreement that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "PHONE CALL".

One day Jake sends his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and Mary replies; tell your father, there is no network..

Jake: tell your mother that if there is no network at home, then I'll go to a public phone..

Mary: tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I'll open a call center at home.

Are they that big?

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls"

"Are they that big?" asked the other.

"No they're this dirty."

Perfect Man

Joseph, the preacher had a question for the people in the church. "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. If anybody has ever known a perfect woman, Please raise your hand."

No one reacted.

He then asked, "Is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"

Albert, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?" the preacher asked, somewhat surprised.

"Uh, I didn't know him personally," replied Albert, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Things Never To Say During Sex

1. shut up, b*tch! (worse if the girl says it) 
2. you know, you're not really attractive.
3. I'm sorry, I was not listening.
4. what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
5. stop interrupting me!!
6. I have to take a sh*t.
7. did I leave the iron on?
8. your breath is funky. 
9. start singing Green Day
10. is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
11. its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
12. god I wish you were a real woman.
13. why can't you ever shave your legs?
14. by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
15. oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... sh*t.
16. your breast milk is like my mom's....
17. you're hairy!!
18. your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
19. is it O.K. if I never see you again?
20. did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
21. don't make that face at me!
22. all of a sudden I have a headache.
23. you're boring.

I don't need Viagra

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Group Policy

A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job. "We don't need anyone," the manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"

The ripe old age

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Special Offer This Week

Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided to change his religion. He joined a priest in a church as his assistant.

One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, He called Santa D'Costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him.

Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: " I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times"

Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times"

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Santa: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Santa: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once"

Santa: "Go do it two more times; we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00"

I can remember that

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

Deadly Facts About Water

Why India don't need Olympics Gold

Please stop that immediately

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
"Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"

88 Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more attractive.
35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 .Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 .Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I'm home!
41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I'm as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. Do you take this woman..
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81.  Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb.. prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84. The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
fixtures.
85. When you feel drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
86. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
87. When you read about the evils of drinking, and give up reading.
88. When you feel reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Can little girls have babies?

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No", said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Statements from Actual School Papers!

1. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

2. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

3. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

4. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

5. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

6. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

7. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

8. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

9. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

10. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.