That's it

A sergeant noticed that one of the privates was behaving oddly. The private would pick up any piece of paper he found, sulk and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the sergeant arranged to have the private psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the private was mentally ill, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The private picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Politicians Lie

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her t*ts!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Chemistry Lesson

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.

"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.

You Know You're Getting Old When ...

...you find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can't remember whether you're going somewhere or you just got back.

...you walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.

...your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.

...everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

...you reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don't have any on.

...when you raise your arm, and you find your "muscle" is now on the bottom side.

...when you have as students the grandchildren of your former students.

...when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.

...when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"

"Inside every old person is a young one wondering what happened."

Fishing Secret

Samuel Jones was a game warden who always had a watchful eye on all those who came to fish. He had noticed on quite a few occasions, that a redhead named Billy caught more fish than the others. While the others managed to catch three or four fish, Billy's boat was always full with a variety of fish. So one day, Samuel Jones asked Billy the secret of his success.

The redhead invited the game warden on his boat and asked him to observe for himself. Samuel Jones agreed and the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Billy's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Billy took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and flung it in the air. The explosion shook the lake with such power that several fish died and began to surface.

Billy threw a net into the water and began to scoop them up. Samuel Jones, open-mouthed, was too shocked to react. When he regained his composure, he began shouting at Billy, "Do you realize what you are doing?? You are so dead. You are going straight to jail and will rot there for the rest of your life!"

Billy, meanwhile, lit another stick of dynamite and tossed it in the lap of Samuel Jones and said coolly, "Are you going to sit there all day cribbing, or are you going to fish?"

Big Deal!

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"
"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.
"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

American Sardar Complaints

1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in my back passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his c*ck wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Burglar Broke into my House

Joe said to his group of friends at the bar, "You won't believe what happened last night. While I was drinking with you guys in the pub, a burglar broke into my house. "

One of his friends asked, "Oh God, did he get anything?"

Joe replied, “Yes he did - a bleeding nose, a broken jaw, four teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The missus thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Cast Away - Software Engineer

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.

At least for a while.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.

"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from
aeucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.

I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How about a Pinacolada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
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"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Money

Bob and Betty are just married and choose Hawaii for their honeymoon. They were in their hotel room discussing which tourist spots to visit, when Bob tried to assert himself by commenting, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

Betty replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaii, we wouldn't be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Teaching Golf to Wife

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear. "That was the last thing I remember.

Three Drunk Guys

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

Milking the Cow

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
 "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this...."
 "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy.
That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work." "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool!
Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again."
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg.
I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."
 Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!

Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Three friends were discussing their wives

Three friends were discussing their wives.

Tom says "You know, my wife is amazing. When she makes love, she's just like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

Eric says, "I couldn't have asked for a better wife. She is gifted like a world-class pianist when it comes to sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then Tom says to the third friend Robert, "Hey Rob, tell us how's your wife in bed?"

Robert took a sip of his vodka and said, "I guess you could say that my wife has the gift of a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah" says Robert. "Every half an hour, she moves."

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

This your ball?

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees on his right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He gets another ball and continues playing. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.

"This your ball?" asks the policeman.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."

"Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. “Is there anything I can do?"

The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your Butt."