Fishing Secret

Samuel Jones was a game warden who always had a watchful eye on all those who came to fish. He had noticed on quite a few occasions, that a redhead named Billy caught more fish than the others. While the others managed to catch three or four fish, Billy's boat was always full with a variety of fish. So one day, Samuel Jones asked Billy the secret of his success.

The redhead invited the game warden on his boat and asked him to observe for himself. Samuel Jones agreed and the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Billy's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Billy took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and flung it in the air. The explosion shook the lake with such power that several fish died and began to surface.

Billy threw a net into the water and began to scoop them up. Samuel Jones, open-mouthed, was too shocked to react. When he regained his composure, he began shouting at Billy, "Do you realize what you are doing?? You are so dead. You are going straight to jail and will rot there for the rest of your life!"

Billy, meanwhile, lit another stick of dynamite and tossed it in the lap of Samuel Jones and said coolly, "Are you going to sit there all day cribbing, or are you going to fish?"

Big Deal!

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"
"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.
"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

American Sardar Complaints

1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in my back passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his c*ck wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Burglar Broke into my House

Joe said to his group of friends at the bar, "You won't believe what happened last night. While I was drinking with you guys in the pub, a burglar broke into my house. "

One of his friends asked, "Oh God, did he get anything?"

Joe replied, “Yes he did - a bleeding nose, a broken jaw, four teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The missus thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Cast Away - Software Engineer

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.

At least for a while.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.

"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from
aeucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.

I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How about a Pinacolada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
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"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Money

Bob and Betty are just married and choose Hawaii for their honeymoon. They were in their hotel room discussing which tourist spots to visit, when Bob tried to assert himself by commenting, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

Betty replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaii, we wouldn't be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Teaching Golf to Wife

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear. "That was the last thing I remember.

Three Drunk Guys

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

Milking the Cow

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
 "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this...."
 "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy.
That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work." "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool!
Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again."
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg.
I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."
 Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!

Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Three friends were discussing their wives

Three friends were discussing their wives.

Tom says "You know, my wife is amazing. When she makes love, she's just like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

Eric says, "I couldn't have asked for a better wife. She is gifted like a world-class pianist when it comes to sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then Tom says to the third friend Robert, "Hey Rob, tell us how's your wife in bed?"

Robert took a sip of his vodka and said, "I guess you could say that my wife has the gift of a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah" says Robert. "Every half an hour, she moves."

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

This your ball?

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees on his right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He gets another ball and continues playing. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.

"This your ball?" asks the policeman.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."

"Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. “Is there anything I can do?"

The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your Butt."

Irish Yoga

Pimp My Ride

Oroville

Father Richard was playing golf with a clergyman. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The cleryman heard him mutter, "Oroville!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"

He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"

By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".

"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.

Sex Therapy

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

Feminist's Fairytale!!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Spot the 8 Differences

A Curvy Blonde

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."