Barbeque Season

The summer brings with it the Barbeque season. It is significant to note the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a weekend, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbeque Routine

1) The wife buys the food.

2) The wife makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The wife prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the husband who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....

5) The wife goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The wife comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the wife.

More routine.....

8) The wife prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the wife clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks his wife how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Confidentially

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

What kind of Facebooker are you

1. Over Photo Editors
2. Extremely Frequent Status Updaters
3. Page Likers
4. Attention Seekers
5. Wall Posters
6. Farmvillers
7. Cars For Profile Picturers
8. Depressing Status Updaters
9. Spammers
10. Swearers
11. Constant Status Likers
12. Stalkers
13. Fake Relationship Statusers
14. Inboxers
15. Chatters
16. Pokers
17. Guys Who Take Photos In Mirrors
18. People Who Cant Spell
19. Song Lyrics For Status Makers
20. Over Reactors

Who Are you?

What are my chances of survival?

Fred was admitted to a hospital for a cerebral aneurysm surgery. Just before the operation, a worried Fred asked the doctor, "I heard this operation is highly risky. What are my chances of survival?"
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."

Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"

The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."

Old Soldiers

1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.

Rowdy Students

While visiting the East Street School in the country, the chairman of the Board of governors became agitated by the ruckus made by rowdy students in the adjoining room.

Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.

A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"

Box Puzzle

Impossibilities in the world

What is the Secret

Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.

One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"

"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dingaling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dingaling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."

"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.

"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

Beach Photobomber

Lesson in Logic

A fresh computer graduate from a world- class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'

'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.

'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.

'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.

'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Each one washes his face.'

'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'

'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?

When can I resume having sex with my wife?

An elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a question with his doctor, "Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my wife?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends- when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"

Captain and Sinking Ship

A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.

He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."

Big Breaths

A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.

The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"

The Factory Bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Conan O'Connor

Conan O'Connor was considered the most clever man in Ireland.

He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.

He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.

The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'

Conan answered, 'Irish History'.

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Conan says, 'Pass.'

'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'

Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'

Rajinikanth's Tree

I've got trouble down here

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Playing Doctor for an Hour

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Used Car

A cop was making his evening rounds in the city. He came across a used automobiles lot and noticed two old women sitting in a used car. He stopped and make inquiries with them why they were sitting there in the car. He was concerned if they were trying to steal it.

One of the old ladies replied, "What are you saying officer.... we just bought it."

The cop asked, "Then why don't you drive it away."

One of the ladies replied "We can't drive."

The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?"

The old lady said, "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."