Big Breaths

A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.

The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"

The Factory Bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Conan O'Connor

Conan O'Connor was considered the most clever man in Ireland.

He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.

He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.

The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'

Conan answered, 'Irish History'.

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Conan says, 'Pass.'

'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'

Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'

Rajinikanth's Tree

I've got trouble down here

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Playing Doctor for an Hour

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Used Car

A cop was making his evening rounds in the city. He came across a used automobiles lot and noticed two old women sitting in a used car. He stopped and make inquiries with them why they were sitting there in the car. He was concerned if they were trying to steal it.

One of the old ladies replied, "What are you saying officer.... we just bought it."

The cop asked, "Then why don't you drive it away."

One of the ladies replied "We can't drive."

The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?"

The old lady said, "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."

Birth control pills

A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."

The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.

Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."

"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.

"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "

Late night news

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?

In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?

In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"

In Poland they say
"It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Not So Secret Agent Murphy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer. "As it happens, there's a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code: "The sun is shining ... the grass is growing ... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy. He's in the village over the other direction."

Nancy - The Blonde Nun

Nancy, the blonde nun was praying in the church, when God decided to talk to her.

God's voice boomed from the heavens, "My child, I am very happy with you. You have always loved your fellow beings and always worked for the benefit of others. For all that you have done in your life, I not only want to thank and commend you, but wish you grant you anything that you want."

Nancy replied, "Oh dear Father, I am absolutely happy and satisfied. I am a bride of Christ. I am only following my heart. I have no desire for anything material. The Church supports me and I am comfortable the way I am."

God said, "There must be something you wish for."

Nancy replied, "Well, there is one thing."

God's voice boomed, "Just say it."

The blonde nun replied, "Well, it's these blonde jokes. They are so humiliating to blondes all over the world, including me. Can these blonde jokes stop?"

God replied, "Done, my dear child. It is erased from the minds of humans. Is there something that you want just for yourself?"

Nancy replied, "Well, there is something, but it's too petty, I don't want to bother you" said the nun.

God said, "Just tell me."

Nancy replied,"It's these M&M's, I find them so hard to peel..."

Deaf and Dumb Parents

Nick & Rachel decide to go on a date. Nick arrives at Rachel's house to take her out. She answers the door and he is surprised to see her wearing only a towel.

She says, "'I am so sorry, I was held up with something. I will get ready in just a few minutes. I will introduce you to my parents. You can talk to them while I am getting dressed. But let me warn you, they are both deaf mutes." She then guides him to the living room, introduces him to her parents and disappears.

The situation is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are absolutely quiet. Rachel's father is watching soccer on TV and her mother is busy reading a newspaper. After a few moments of silence, the mother suddenly gets up from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her underwear and pours a glass of water over her butt. Likewise, Rachel's father launches himself across the room, bends her over the sofa and screws her from behind. He then relaxes in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into a creepy silence and Nick is too shocked to say anything. Just then, Rachel comes down fully dressed and ready to go out. The date is totally ruined as Nick is per-occupied by the events at Rachel's home. Towards the end, Rachel realizes that something is terribly wrong and asks, "Is everything okay? Why are you so lost?"

Nick replied, "I witnessed some bizarre events while I was waiting for you and I am still in shock. First your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her drawers & throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, your father contributes to the strange happenings by racing from his chair, pinning your mother down on the sofa and taking her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".

'Oh, that's nothing?' replies Rachel.

Nick can't believe her casual response.

Rachel continues, 'Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this a*shole a drink?' And Dad was replying 'No screw him, I'm watching the match!

The 16 Types of People On Facebook

The lawyer's son

The lawyer's only son, Danny wanted to follow the same career as his father, so he decided to go to law school. After he graduated with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm. It was his first day at work, and he rushed into his father's office, and said excitedly, "Dad, in just a day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for seven years!"

The senior lawyer responded: "You stupid fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another eight years!"

I got a dig bick

Broken Engagement

A cute nurse called Betty, who was upset about her broken engagement to a doctor, was sharing her feelings with a close friend.

"Do you mean to say," exclaimed the friend, "that idiot asked you to give back the ring and all his presents ?"

"Not just that," said Betty, "he sent me a bill for 26 visits."

Employee Suggestion Box

To Whom It May Concern

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

Need an Antidote

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's little sailor can't salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

I would have

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other.
One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"