Deaf and Dumb Parents

Nick & Rachel decide to go on a date. Nick arrives at Rachel's house to take her out. She answers the door and he is surprised to see her wearing only a towel.

She says, "'I am so sorry, I was held up with something. I will get ready in just a few minutes. I will introduce you to my parents. You can talk to them while I am getting dressed. But let me warn you, they are both deaf mutes." She then guides him to the living room, introduces him to her parents and disappears.

The situation is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are absolutely quiet. Rachel's father is watching soccer on TV and her mother is busy reading a newspaper. After a few moments of silence, the mother suddenly gets up from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her underwear and pours a glass of water over her butt. Likewise, Rachel's father launches himself across the room, bends her over the sofa and screws her from behind. He then relaxes in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into a creepy silence and Nick is too shocked to say anything. Just then, Rachel comes down fully dressed and ready to go out. The date is totally ruined as Nick is per-occupied by the events at Rachel's home. Towards the end, Rachel realizes that something is terribly wrong and asks, "Is everything okay? Why are you so lost?"

Nick replied, "I witnessed some bizarre events while I was waiting for you and I am still in shock. First your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her drawers & throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, your father contributes to the strange happenings by racing from his chair, pinning your mother down on the sofa and taking her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".

'Oh, that's nothing?' replies Rachel.

Nick can't believe her casual response.

Rachel continues, 'Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this a*shole a drink?' And Dad was replying 'No screw him, I'm watching the match!

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The lawyer's son

The lawyer's only son, Danny wanted to follow the same career as his father, so he decided to go to law school. After he graduated with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm. It was his first day at work, and he rushed into his father's office, and said excitedly, "Dad, in just a day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for seven years!"

The senior lawyer responded: "You stupid fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another eight years!"

I got a dig bick

Broken Engagement

A cute nurse called Betty, who was upset about her broken engagement to a doctor, was sharing her feelings with a close friend.

"Do you mean to say," exclaimed the friend, "that idiot asked you to give back the ring and all his presents ?"

"Not just that," said Betty, "he sent me a bill for 26 visits."

Employee Suggestion Box

To Whom It May Concern

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

Need an Antidote

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's little sailor can't salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

I would have

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other.
One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Easiest to Operate

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
 The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Who gave you the ten cents?"

After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out.
The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents. "That`s great!" the husband replies.
"But who gave you the ten cents?"
 "Everybody!" replied the wife.

Food is the greatest strength and attraction

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, please change the rat. She may be his wife".

You tell me which should I have hit?

Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

Santa: I suddenly lost control.

Cop: Then what happened?

Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?

Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.

Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!

St. Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

"The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

Missing Dog

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

Barracks Door

General Smith got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open.
When leaving the room she said, “General Smith, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat

There was a little boy with a bad attitude.
He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard.
He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also.
He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too.
His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard.
She told him to wait 'til his dad got home.
His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room.
The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"

Annoying Lawyer

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

A Blind Man at a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

I screw anybody, any time

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. walking up behind her he says, "Hi There! Good looking! How's it going?"

She, Having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?