- If she is very beautiful with 1000's of friends , its fake.
- Her profile pic has lovely Katrina on it, she is shy , ugly or both....
- There is a guy in the pic along with her,... she is already booked.
- There are more than one girl in the pic,.... she is most probably the ugliest one.
- The pic is taken from a side angle of her face.... she is most probably fat.
- The pic is taken from far away.... definitely not a fake profile, just try to zoom in with your eye lenses to figure out more of her.
- The pic is of a baby, cake, heart or any other stupid thing,... most probably a teen who needs to grow up.
- A pic with a ugly face.... click the back button as soon as you can before anyone catches you red handed...: )
- A pic with a beautiful face and all profile info hidden,... she is probably the one for you :P... but don't be so excited, she wont accept your friend request.
- A pic with a guy's face,.... wrong number... :p
What does a girls profile pic tells you
Monkey on the dashboard
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Don't you ever stop
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Priest on Board
A truckie gives a lift to a priest. Later, as he's barrelling down the road, he sees an Abo ahead, he plants the foot down, and speeds towards him. At the last moment he remembers he's got the priest on board, and swerves, just missing the Abo.
"I'm terribly sorry about that, Father".
"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".
"I'm terribly sorry about that, Father".
"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".
Facebook Update
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
The Attorney's Heart
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
Three Texans
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER
Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
What they want, what they get
What women want
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What they get
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What they get
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
Yo mama's so skinny
Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Hans Olaffsen's Laundry
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,
"What your name?"
He say, " Hans Olaffsen."
She look at me say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,
"What your name?"
He say, " Hans Olaffsen."
She look at me say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
Uninvited
Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
Polite ways to say your Zipper is down
Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
I'm a moth
A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
Pay Check
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
New Drugs
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo .. Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who shouldn't be included in the dating pool.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo .. Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who shouldn't be included in the dating pool.
Smoke inhalation
Two firefighters are screwing in a smoke filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?
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