The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
The Attorney's Heart
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
Three Texans
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER
Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
What they want, what they get
What women want
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What they get
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What they get
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
Yo mama's so skinny
Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Hans Olaffsen's Laundry
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,
"What your name?"
He say, " Hans Olaffsen."
She look at me say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,
"What your name?"
He say, " Hans Olaffsen."
She look at me say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
Uninvited
Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.
I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'
He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
Polite ways to say your Zipper is down
Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
I'm a moth
A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".
Pay Check
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
New Drugs
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo .. Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who shouldn't be included in the dating pool.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo .. Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who shouldn't be included in the dating pool.
Smoke inhalation
Two firefighters are screwing in a smoke filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.
For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.
Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.
He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.
Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.
That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.
Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.
Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.
The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.
The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.
The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.
For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.
Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.
He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.
Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.
That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.
Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.
Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.
The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.
The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.
The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.
New computer viruses
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nike virus: Just does it.
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