Medal of Bravery

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

A QUIZ FOR WOMEN

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?
Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Deer Hunting

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

No, there's no problem

The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him.

"What's up?" the buddy asked.

"When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained.

"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.

"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him. "What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained. "Aren't you furious?" the friend asked. "No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."

The complaint letter from Blonde

The complaint letter from Blone:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

I bet I know what it is

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Confucius say

On wisdom, Confucius say...

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.

Confucius say too damn much.

Black man with white dog go to prison, white man with black dog gets praise.

On hygiene, Confucius say...

Man who drop watch in toilet have ****** time.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep ****.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

On sex, Confucius say...

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Hole happy, whole body happy.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Man who plays with self, pulls boner.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who suck woman's *** make clean breast of things.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.

Man who **** in cash register come into money.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Bill Clinton at the Pearly Gates

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Seniors Citizens - don't mess with them

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What're you selling' here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

...

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.

Texting for Seniors

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you. Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh, My! Sorry -- Gas.

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

It's an illness

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

The wheelbarrow

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Excited Indian

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 Service Station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

So did I

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life!

1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

Lets play mommy and daddy

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your arse out of bed, you wh*ore, and fix that kid some f*cking ice cream."

Extra Large

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Fasten Seat Belts

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

Not so Stupid Monkey

A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.

"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the man.

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"

Rules For Women

Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.