Pregnancy pains
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Some good news and some bad news
A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation. The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed. He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread. Our man says timidly "Well, how did the operation go?".
To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles"
Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.
"What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles"
Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.
"What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
We'll learn about each other
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Recessions Updates
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off.
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
Same Old Story
He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said,
"The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden.
And the same old bed.".
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed
The young man got alarmed and said,
"Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".
The old man said,
"And the same old story"!
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said,
"The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden.
And the same old bed.".
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed
The young man got alarmed and said,
"Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".
The old man said,
"And the same old story"!
Secret to a happy married life
Once it was asked by one of my Friends, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect for each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
He asked, "Can you explain?"
I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"
I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
He asked, "Then what is your role?"
I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether David Beckham should retire, etc etc and My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"
I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect for each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
He asked, "Can you explain?"
I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"
I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
He asked, "Then what is your role?"
I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether David Beckham should retire, etc etc and My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"
Why did you die?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating,
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating,
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Strong Urge
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out..... you friggin' mosquito!
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out..... you friggin' mosquito!
Laws of Life
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Upcoming Music Director
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a upcoming music director ."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's Rs 100.00. Go get something to eat!"
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a upcoming music director ."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's Rs 100.00. Go get something to eat!"
Hooker at Downing Street
'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realized the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realized I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realized the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realized I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
Two Italian men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ed and Ted
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
The Fairy
A Fairy told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish".
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. And the fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra!..suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Lesson: Men might be rotten and selfish and inconsiderate ... But, Fairies are...................Female.
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. And the fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra!..suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Lesson: Men might be rotten and selfish and inconsiderate ... But, Fairies are...................Female.
Mammogram Report
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's
the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
She replied, "Your name never came up."
the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
She replied, "Your name never came up."
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