A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a upcoming music director ."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's Rs 100.00. Go get something to eat!"
Hooker at Downing Street
'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realized the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realized I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, £5!" I fired back.
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"
And I'd yell back "£5!"
One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realized the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.
I realized I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for £5?!!
Two Italian men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ed and Ted
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
The Fairy
A Fairy told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish".
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. And the fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra!..suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Lesson: Men might be rotten and selfish and inconsiderate ... But, Fairies are...................Female.
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. And the fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra!..suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Lesson: Men might be rotten and selfish and inconsiderate ... But, Fairies are...................Female.
Mammogram Report
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's
the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
She replied, "Your name never came up."
the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
She replied, "Your name never came up."
Best "Out of Office" Automatic E-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Steve'.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Steve'.
Glad I live next door
Sam the bartender announcing last call offered his last customer a hand as he kept making the attempt to stand but winding up on the floor. He dragged himself to the door, grabbed onto the door knob and made another attempt. Failed again. Dragging himself out a few feet he leaned against the wall took a deep breath and slurred: "Sure, glad I live next door".
Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.
The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?".
"No my dear, what brought that up?" he replied.
She angrily yell back: "Sam called, you left your wheelchair again"!
Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.
The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?".
"No my dear, what brought that up?" he replied.
She angrily yell back: "Sam called, you left your wheelchair again"!
Irish Pubs
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Grandpa
A young man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Oral Morning
A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?"
"How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?"
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man.
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience.
The dentist says "There's a little bit of sh*t on the end of your nose."
"How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?"
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man.
"No" says the dentist.
"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience.
The dentist says "There's a little bit of sh*t on the end of your nose."
Fuckhauer
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it is Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it is Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
Three faggots
There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide.
The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.
The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.
The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!
The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.
The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.
The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!
Top New Names For Sexual Positions
- The IRS position... where you just bend over and take it up the a*s with no lube.
- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.
- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).
- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to arse screwing).
- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).
- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)
- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.
- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.
- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.
- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).
- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:
The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"
- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.
- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).
- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to arse screwing).
- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).
- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)
- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.
- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.
- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.
- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).
- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:
The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"
One hole behind
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
Virgin airline sponsorship
Billionaire Virgin business group boss Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string of tournament defeats.
However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.
As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we got screwed in every match in England"!
However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.
As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we got screwed in every match in England"!
Why did that upset you?
Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."
Women's Compact Instruction Book
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
- Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
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