Best "Out of Office" Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Steve'.

Glad I live next door

Sam the bartender announcing last call offered his last customer a hand as he kept making the attempt to stand but winding up on the floor. He dragged himself to the door, grabbed onto the door knob and made another attempt. Failed again. Dragging himself out a few feet he leaned against the wall took a deep breath and slurred: "Sure, glad I live next door".

Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.

The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?".

"No my dear, what brought that up?" he replied.

She angrily yell back: "Sam called, you left your wheelchair again"!

Irish Pubs

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.

You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says,"..yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.

In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Grandpa

A young man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Oral Morning

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?"

"How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?"

"No" says the dentist.

"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man.

"No" says the dentist.

"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience.

The dentist says "There's a little bit of sh*t on the end of your nose."

Fuckhauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it is Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

Rajinikanth Jokes

Three faggots

There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide.

The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road.

The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car.

The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!

Top New Names For Sexual Positions

- The IRS position... where you just bend over and take it up the a*s with no lube.

- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.

- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).

- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to arse screwing).

- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).

- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)

- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.

- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.

- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.

- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).

- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:

The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"

One hole behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

Virgin airline sponsorship

Billionaire Virgin business group boss Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string of tournament defeats.

However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.

As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we got screwed in every match in England"!

Why did that upset you?

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

Women's Compact Instruction Book

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.


• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.


• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.


• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.


• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".


• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.


• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.


• If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.


• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.


• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.


• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.


• If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.


• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.


• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.


• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.


• Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.


• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.


• When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Hypnotist

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

Best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, great & what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Be Careful

Cricket Fever

Tomatoes won't ripen

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

Worst Dream

Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."

Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."