Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves!!!"
A Confession
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 19 year-old girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 19 year-old girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody
Lost Husband
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30 things you learn from watching porn
- Women wear high heels to bed.
- Men are never impotent.
- When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
- If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
- Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
- Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
- Women always orgasm when men do.
- A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
- All women are noisy cummers.
- People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
- Those tits are real.
- A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
- Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
- If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
- Double penetration makes women smile.
- Asian men don't exist.
- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
- There's a plot.
- When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
- Nurses suck patients cocks.
- Men always pull out.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
- Women never have headaches... or periods.
- When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
- Assholes are clean.
- A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
- Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
- When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
- Simps and tricks never have to beg.
The Male Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
What's the big deal
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
Reminiscing
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
What ever are we going to do
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Rich People
A rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
First worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Four engineers traveling in a car
There are four engineers traveling in a car;:
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
Funny One Liners
** If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
** Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.
** Constant change is here to stay.
** Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
** Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.
** A watched clock never boils.
** A word to the wise is unnecessary.
** All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
** I'd like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
** The teacher asked my son, "If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?" My son answered, "Five."
** Money isn't everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
** Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
** "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
** There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
** God made us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
** Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.
** Constant change is here to stay.
** Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
** Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.
** A watched clock never boils.
** A word to the wise is unnecessary.
** All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
** I'd like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
** The teacher asked my son, "If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?" My son answered, "Five."
** Money isn't everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
** Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
** "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
** There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
** God made us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
Good for babies up to 18 pounds
A blonde girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Vulgar language
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
Painless way to save money
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Superior Culture
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
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