Good for babies up to 18 pounds
A blonde girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Vulgar language
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
Painless way to save money
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Superior Culture
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Milking your cow
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
How many does it take?
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
Perception
Two women friends chatting in office:
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
LOL!!
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
LOL!!
The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep
Prostate test
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Dog Food
A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.
The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.
The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his a*s, and was hit by a car.
The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.
The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his a*s, and was hit by a car.
Will you hold my hand?
Barbara was with her psychiatrist, Dr. Steinberg. Suddenly, she asked him “Will you kiss me?” Shocked, Dr. Steinberg replied abruptly “Certainly not! We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”
“Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?”
“Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
“Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?”
“Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
Little opossum
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an opossum.
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"
Cure by Computer
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
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