Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an opossum.
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"
Cure by Computer
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
A very rare medical condition
A man and a woman were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The little sexy housewife
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Little Johnny in his math's class
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
Criminal Lawyer
A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"
Crate of Chicken
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Big strong donkey called Dobbin
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'
Texas version of "Survivor"
Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Polish Soldier
Three soldiers, An American, a German and a Polish in the Persian Gulf war were captured by the Iraqi army and thrown into a prison.
When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:
“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”
A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.
The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:
“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”
When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:
“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”
A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.
The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:
“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”
American Soldier
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."
Top 10 things only a Woman understands
10. Cats facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Texan Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department ; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons ; for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons ; for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
How To Ask A Man To Do Something?
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Bl*w Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Bl*w Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails... Bl*w Job.
OK, seven rules.
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Bl*w Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Bl*w Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails... Bl*w Job.
OK, seven rules.
Mexican - American Stand Off
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
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