A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big, almost as big as the gas grill here."
She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge."
At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard.
Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It is as big as the gas grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!"
Abby Column
Dear Abby,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator Secretary of State, you don't need him anymore.
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator Secretary of State, you don't need him anymore.
Where's the p?
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!
Bank Robbery
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"
What size to buy?
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.
Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.
Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.
She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.
Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.
Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.
She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
Late Coming
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
She would want to do it again and again and again
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
I'll bet you're sorry
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
American Indian
A Desi came to USA, settled with green card, got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and invited friends for the house warming party.
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."
So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.
The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."
Why don't you diet?
In the men's room this morning, i was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn't seen his penis in 15 years.
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said ... "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised stare, he said, "Dye it? For god's sake, what color is it now?"
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said ... "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised stare, he said, "Dye it? For god's sake, what color is it now?"
I'll rip out the partition
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms.
After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her p*ssy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her p*ssy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Born Leader
The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.
"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"
"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."
"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"
"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."
All insurance agents are thieves
The town lush drunkenly stumbles into a banquet hall when an insurance convention is taking place, ready to pick a fight. He shouts, "All insurance agents are thieves, and if you, (hiccup, got a problem with it ya ought to do something about it."
Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"
The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"
"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."
Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"
The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"
"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."
What's for Supper
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Technical Support
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, in-cognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
So generous
Jacob Levy had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.'
Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'
Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'
Bridal suite
Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room.
But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."
"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."
But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."
"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."
New Church Members
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
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