Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

Bridal suite

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room.

But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

New Church Members

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

What am I going to do with you?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

The fastest thing known is diarrhea

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, ‘A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”"That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “

And now you sir?” he asked the second man.”Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”

He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.”Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.”It’s hard to beat the speed of light.”he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.”After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”"What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.”Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I Wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,blink or turn on the light, I’d dirty my pants!”

He got the job!

Moral: To out-smart others in a Job Interview, be creative,innovative & think out of the Box.

Expecting Wife

A young soldier sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”
“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”
The Officer looked surprised.
“Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.”
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the officer lost his temper, “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he shouted.
“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the officer.
“Me.” said the soldier simply.

First Wedding Night

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

ONLY MARRIED MEN

An IT services company had a policy of hiring

ONLY MARRIED men.

Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO.

She asked, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Do you consider us women are Weak, Dumb, Tantrum throwers or Bossy?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied. "It is ONLY because our policy is to hire staff :-

-Who are used to obeying orders without questioning,

-Who are accustomed to being bossed over,

-Know how to keep quiet

-Put up with anything when I yell at them.

A Marine and A Nun

The ship was about to leave for Vietnam, and the Marine decided he just did not want to go, so he slipped from the bar and ran, but the Shore Patrol followed.
About to be caught, the Marine came upon a nun, and begged her to let him hide under her habit.
She agreed and he ducked under.
Then the Shore Patrol came by and asked if she had seen a runnig Marine.
She only pointed off in another direction, and they took off.
"I sure want to thank you, Sister," said the Marine, as he crawled out from under her skirts.
"And I also want to say that you have a nice pair of legs under there."
The nun replied, "It's a good thing you didn't look hgher or you would have found out I'm not a nun....
I just don't want to go to Vietnam either!"

I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Social Network 2

Social Network 2 - SAW style

ZEN Teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Some ball warmers for Christmas

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

Are you hurt?

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Larry’s Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

My Husband

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and And talking about their lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman.

He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Failed Interview

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.

E: Is he working locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you !
C: Why?

E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of you.

*********

Story II

E: Any girl friends?
C: No.

E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

*********

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

*********

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack in fighting spirit.

*********

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Had a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hopper!)

*********

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?
C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

*********

Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!

Indoor plumbing

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man."

The hick says, "How can you tell?"

The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

Farmer and Salesman

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow.

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as You'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

Present

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Hungry Cannibals

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"

The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."